"Nighty-night, Little People..." Part II

So... 

My then-wife filed for divorce in July, '96...  "Irreconcilable Differences" ... Hell... aren't they always??

At some point, the divorce changed from "Irreconcilable Differences" to "Adultery"... another long story (Hell... aren't they always??)

It went from Bad to Mean...  I took a beating... all on technicality...

Anyway... After the judge made his ruling... he had to because since they wouldn't settle... or more correctly, I wouldn't settle, because I wouldn't have had anything on which to live... We actually went through a hearing...  and I thought... I can do what the judge has ordered... I can do all of this...

And my lawyer said... "Shoes... that's not all of it..." The rest of it had to do with the monies she had won from me being garnished from my salary... Now, in Mississippi, they don't do this until the reprobate has shown that he won't pay what's been ordered by the court... I took this as an extra knife in the back... with a little extra twisting going on...


I had been on paxil to help with the depression that had been mounting since the death of my Dad, the screwing over of the second litter by the sister, and other assorted shiznit...  but it wasn't enough...

"The Today Show" ran a segment on "Painless Suicide"... and they told the viewers what they needed to have... and how to take it... and all of that informative stuff...

And I was sitting there watching... and thinking... "That's it..."

Secretia had something on her blog about suicide... I think it's easier to think about... and to do... than many people will ever realize...

Everything was screwed in my Life... My Dad had died and I was in that mindset of being an orphan... my marriage had ended...  I had siblings with whom I would never talk to again...  Everything... EVERYTHING... was bad...

So... I bought the materials that the segment on TV told me I needed...  I went to my office out at the school, and packed my office up... boxed my text books... emptied my desk contents into some cardboard boxes... all they would have to do is just throw the boxes into the trash...

Then I went to my apartment... and did the same thing... boxed everything I had left up... I boxed things that I thought the  Shoe kids might want separately from the stuff that could be thrown away...

I just didn't think that anyone should have to clean up that much after me...  And it was about 2AM that morning... when I finished... and I remember sitting at my kitchen table... thinking... "Well... it's time..."

And all I can remember... was getting SO tired... SO sleepy... and I kept hearing this voice...  "tomorrow's going to be another day..." 

So I decided to go to bed.. I was so tired... and I would do it tomorrow... of course, that makes absolutely no sense... no sense... None at all!!!

But the next morning, when I woke up... and saw everything boxed... the reality of what I almost did hit me so hard... I called my counselor... and was able to get in to see her...

She wanted to know who all I had told about what I was planning to do... and I hadn't told anyone... no one... it was just something I decided to do... I didn't go out and tell a host of people about how I was going to kill myself...

She ran some statistics past me... about when people tell others about what their plans are... that they really don't intend to follow through... and how those who do follow through... it tends to be a surprise...

I guess the one thing that I carried away from it all... was the thoughts that was going through my head when I became so tired....  "tomorrow's going to be another day..."

I think my Dad was there...  I think my Dad kept me from making a very bad mistake...
 
The effect on my kids would have been horrific...
 
I can tell you... each and everyday... is a wonderful day...