This is a re-post of something I wrote on August 18, 2011... which provides some background on this sister... she could make one so angry... so upset... yet, I loved her. Maybe I cared for her and loved her because my Mom and Dad would have expected it of me...
I love you, Jane...
I pray you weren't scared...
I pray that you weren't in pain...
I am sorry I wasn't there with you...
~Jim~
__________
Transitions...
... defined as a process or the period of changing from one state or condition to another.
When my Dad died... and just a handful of months later, filed for divorce, my Life underwent a host of changes. As my level of 'normalcy,' as I knew it, underwent great changes, I sought out the services of a counselor... someone who could possibly help me organize things back into some semblance of an existence with which I might could exist...
This counselor told me that considering what all I had experienced at that time, I was doing rather well... and that I had experienced four transitions in such a short time.
I asked her what a transition was, and she told me it was a change in one's Life that was so drastic... so significant... that one's Life would never be the same.
Yep... losing your last parent, and becoming an orphan (albeit I was an adult, it's still a shock to the system)... and then to follow that up with a rift in the family that would forever cause some kind of separation between the two sets of children that our parents had... and then the divorce... and then on-going behavior problems with my daughter...
Life had indeed changed...
... and it's changing again. I am facing a new transition...
When one is young, you don't expect your parents to die... you just don't... Mom and Dad and you and your pets and everything are going to live forever and ever and ever...
... but they don't.
My Mom was the first significant loss of Life to me. I loved this woman... I adored this woman... I never wanted to hurt her feelings or make her upset with me... And she died...
I had issues with my Dad... I've posted about them and they are back there somewhere if you care to look and read... but after he had his stroke, I felt I needed to reach some sort of understanding with him... and I did. My greatest regret is that I didn't do that sooner.
At times, I can't even begin to comprehend how long Mom and Dad have been gone. All of the Christmases, and birthdays, and special events all seem like distant memories... and I guess they should seem this way... that's what they are now.
Well... one doesn't expect a brother or a sister to die... but they do. We think... expect... that they, and we, will live forever... but they and we don't.
I've stated before that Mom and Dad had two litters of kids, so to speak... I'm the middle child of the second litter. There's a great age difference between the litters.
I've written about my oldest sister... and not in very nice terms, but I suppose part of that has been my trying to work out the angst that I have with her. In years past, she has really fucked us (2nd litter) over... significantly too.
But I've worked past all of that... I forgave her. I haven't forgotten what she did, but I had to let some things go... we just have to from time to time.
I've become the guy who takes her to dinner several nights a week... goes and checks on her when she doesn't answer the phone, and have just been much of a trouble shooter for her.
I've become the family member who takes her up and down the highways to her doctor appointments.
... and in recent months, I've seen a great decline in her... physically and emotionally. She's always been a strong person; I can't ever recall seeing her 'broken'... but that's how I describe her now. She has no energy... she sits with her head in her hands.
...she tells me that she is scared...
... and she doesn't have to tell me why she is scared. She sees it coming... as do I... as do my litter mates brothers.
I've been to the doctor with her every day this week... he told her yesterday that she needs to go into the hospital for treatment... and she has said, "no..."
Maybe she knows the 'Time' is here... without going into the hospital, it could be here really soon... My brothers and I are making efforts to get our other sister here... she needs to be here.
This has gotten longer than I meant for it to be...
All I really wanted to write about was how the guard always seems to change... our grandparents die... our parents die...
... and then your siblings. It's our turn, I suppose.
I am dreading the weeks ahead...
~shoes~
