This is a re-post of something I wrote on August 18, 2011... which provides some background on this sister... she could make one so angry... so upset... yet, I loved her. Maybe I cared for her and loved her because my Mom and Dad would have expected it of me...
I love you, Jane...
I pray you weren't scared...
I pray that you weren't in pain...
I am sorry I wasn't there with you...
~Jim~
__________
Transitions...
... defined as a process or the period of changing from one state or condition to another.
When my Dad died... and just a handful of months later, filed for divorce, my Life underwent a host of changes. As my level of 'normalcy,' as I knew it, underwent great changes, I sought out the services of a counselor... someone who could possibly help me organize things back into some semblance of an existence with which I might could exist...
This counselor told me that considering what all I had experienced at that time, I was doing rather well... and that I had experienced four transitions in such a short time.
I asked her what a transition was, and she told me it was a change in one's Life that was so drastic... so significant... that one's Life would never be the same.
Yep... losing your last parent, and becoming an orphan (albeit I was an adult, it's still a shock to the system)... and then to follow that up with a rift in the family that would forever cause some kind of separation between the two sets of children that our parents had... and then the divorce... and then on-going behavior problems with my daughter...
Life had indeed changed...
... and it's changing again. I am facing a new transition...
When one is young, you don't expect your parents to die... you just don't... Mom and Dad and you and your pets and everything are going to live forever and ever and ever...
... but they don't.
My Mom was the first significant loss of Life to me. I loved this woman... I adored this woman... I never wanted to hurt her feelings or make her upset with me... And she died...
I had issues with my Dad... I've posted about them and they are back there somewhere if you care to look and read... but after he had his stroke, I felt I needed to reach some sort of understanding with him... and I did. My greatest regret is that I didn't do that sooner.
At times, I can't even begin to comprehend how long Mom and Dad have been gone. All of the Christmases, and birthdays, and special events all seem like distant memories... and I guess they should seem this way... that's what they are now.
Well... one doesn't expect a brother or a sister to die... but they do. We think... expect... that they, and we, will live forever... but they and we don't.
I've stated before that Mom and Dad had two litters of kids, so to speak... I'm the middle child of the second litter. There's a great age difference between the litters.
I've written about my oldest sister... and not in very nice terms, but I suppose part of that has been my trying to work out the angst that I have with her. In years past, she has really fucked us (2nd litter) over... significantly too.
But I've worked past all of that... I forgave her. I haven't forgotten what she did, but I had to let some things go... we just have to from time to time.
I've become the guy who takes her to dinner several nights a week... goes and checks on her when she doesn't answer the phone, and have just been much of a trouble shooter for her.
I've become the family member who takes her up and down the highways to her doctor appointments.
... and in recent months, I've seen a great decline in her... physically and emotionally. She's always been a strong person; I can't ever recall seeing her 'broken'... but that's how I describe her now. She has no energy... she sits with her head in her hands.
...she tells me that she is scared...
... and she doesn't have to tell me why she is scared. She sees it coming... as do I... as do my litter mates brothers.
I've been to the doctor with her every day this week... he told her yesterday that she needs to go into the hospital for treatment... and she has said, "no..."
Maybe she knows the 'Time' is here... without going into the hospital, it could be here really soon... My brothers and I are making efforts to get our other sister here... she needs to be here.
This has gotten longer than I meant for it to be...
All I really wanted to write about was how the guard always seems to change... our grandparents die... our parents die...
... and then your siblings. It's our turn, I suppose.
I am dreading the weeks ahead...
~shoes~
Your writing speaks loudly to me Shoes. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope you aren't alone. I'm always the one who seems to forgive and it's not a sign of weakness. By far! It's a sign of strength and character in my book. Email me if you need to chat! Hugs XX
ReplyDeleteGood morning, Barb...
DeleteYesterday was a horrible day... something happened that I will write about...
I am sorry that mourners at the funeral home had to witness this event.
Anyhoo...
~shoes~
Jim, isn't life one big transition? that's how I view it.. I came to that conclusion after going thru a bunch of losses that I've told u about.. Each one made me look at myself, and others... The angry words u have said in the past either in writing or verbally is just sheer emotion.. Whether it be emotion of disappointment, anger, what was/or what will never be.. That to me is what it is... I wouldn't beat yourself up over the angry words u may have had...after all its human nature right?You are lucky to have other siblings around you in this time... Like you I became an orphan within 6 mos. time last year.. I think that holds a world's record for me... I am lucky that I have my kids otherwise I'd be truly alone... and this is not just my version of a pity party... Just wanted to let u know u aren't alone... (I know u will email me on this one! :-) lol)
ReplyDeleteChris... I think your idea that Life is one big transition is right on target. I became an orphan when my Dad died in '96. I think regardless of what ones age is when they lose their last parent, it is such a shock
DeleteMonday morning, as I awoke... the first thoughts running through my head were that I hate my family... but like some of the people in it.
Meh...
~shoes~
transition.....
ReplyDeletethose are big things to deal with... death, divorce, decline but you must be "strong" because you can take it! (oh, how i loath that statement). Shoes, I am not surprised to read that you were there for you sister even though things were not easy between you. I too have issues with siblings, a total of 3 different litters, and I am the middle. I will try to learn from example. Transition... cooking for one tonight. Making an "Easter Dinner" my fathers favorite. Setting the table for two - miss my dad.learning how to be comfortable alone. xo
Hey sweetie...
DeleteFrom the standpoint of "being there" for my sister... I so regret that I couldn't get to her house on Saturday morning before the EMTs loaded her in the ambulance... I wanted her to know that I was there... that someone was there... and I didn't make it.
~shoes~
Oh Shoes I remember you telling me about her but I did not know you finally was able to reconnect with her after all that happen. That right there I'm sure is the best gift you could give her. My dad seems to be reverting back to the old days. Watching war movies, talking about what it was like when he was a kid. sleeping all day long. He had 6 brothers and sisters. Him and only one of his sisters are left. They keep waiting to see who will be the next one to go....
ReplyDeleteLook to your kids, friends and other siblings for you are well loved.
Hi, Liz...Yes, I reached a point where I was able to forgive her...
DeleteWe went to dinner Friday night, and had a really fun time.. bless her heart...
She died Saturday morning...
Oddly enough, other than my children, I am getting great support from my colleagues at work...
I am fortunate..
~shoes~
Time marches inexorably on. We all get older. Our bodies reach a point where they fail. I read somewhere once that the failing was actually a gift. Who would accept death if we didn't slow down, feel those aches and pains, and - in the end - actually feel bad? If not for that, how could we possibly accept that the next transition (death of the physical body) was at hand???
ReplyDeleteYou have been a wonderful brother, despite how difficult your sister has been in the past. And possibly still into the present. (I find that people don't change all that much. If something changes it is our ability to accept them as they are.)
I wish I could grab you up in a big hug. This too, shall pass. Hang in there my friend!
Hi, Robin... I have tried to be a wonderful brother, although it was difficult at times... so difficult.
DeleteI am afraid that the death of this sister will finish off what is left of this family.
I can honestly say that I won't miss any of them...
~shoes~
I'm so sorry, love. None of us really know how to handle situations such as these. So we do what we can, to make it more pleasant for them and to keep our head above water. Forgiving someone is definitely not a sign of weakness. Forgiving someone is mostly for your own sanity. This way, you can be able to move on and be a better you. I had to forgive my father for so many things, I don't hate him. I love him very much. But from a distance. I learned to forgive in order that I may grow into a better me. An emotionally healthy, better me. And you can do this too. Life is a real bitch sometimes. It teases and gives you people to love, only to have them taken away when you least expect it. I just turned 47 last week, and for the first time I'm feeling old. And scared. But life goes on. Sending you love and light and lots of hugs. This too, shall pass...
ReplyDeleteHi, Yvonne... I am so tired... so worn out from so much that has happened... occurred. This sister is the one that taught me to forgive... she has screwed us over previously on some issues when my Dad died.
DeleteThank you for your love and emotional support that you send my way...
~shoes~
Shoes, Everyone seems to have said everything I'd planned to say, so all I can do is say I feel for you very much. You're doing everything right, but with strength and conviction.
ReplyDeletexxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hey you...
DeleteI think I've held the high ground on all of this mess... it's been difficult... how I define my family will certainly have changed after all of this...
But, it's ok...
I hope all is well with you, dear...
~shoes~
I've been thinking a lot lately of the changing of the guard too. As others have said, you're doing things right. All the best to you.
ReplyDeleteGood morning, Max... you are right... a changing of the guard, or the re-defining of the family.
DeleteBelieve it or not, the criteria that I most often use as a means of how to evaluate my actions is whether or not I can sleep at night.
Now, if I just had a Casino and maybe a Vox AC-30 amp, I'd be good to go...
~shoes~
I hope she wasn't scared too. I think special grace is given those in their end time. I hope so anyway. There but for the grace of God go I, alone and dying. Somehow I hope I am okay with that when the time comes. *Sigh*. I wish I could help.
ReplyDeleteI hope she wasn't scared, Annie... last year this time, she wasn't doing very well... and at the hospital one evening, she grasped my hand so tightly and told me... "I'm scared..." so that is where that line above comes from...
DeleteI wish I could have been there holding her hand when she left... just so she wouldn't have been alone. There was possibly medical staff there, but that isn't the same thing...
You have helped, dear... trust me...
~shoes~
Sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteMandisa's "Overcomer" seems to be the song for this month.
I'm sorry Shoes..This blog just goes to show me what a great heart you have and just how stellar your character is...
ReplyDeleteI wish we lived closer. I can't help you out. Chrissy has it right, and she is one strong lady.
ReplyDeleteWe obviously all have our situations. I have always organized these things in my mind in such a way that I have come to realize that these scenarios ARE life. There are no charmed existences. We simply have to believe that when we find ourselves in the doldrums, we will recover and rise again. That, too, is life. Best to you.