Now that Dad has been gone almost fourteen years... and Ive been divorced now thirteen years... the Holidays have changed. Somehow time is supposed to make things easier, but it doesn't... I seem to miss Mom and Dad more every year... every day...
It's a rainy, messy day here in the Mississippi Delta today... we've been under flash flood warnings all day... heavy heavy rains... but the tornadic activity that had been forecasted didn't make it to our area...
So, I went to the grocery store to get the things that I will need to make Christmas Eve Dinner for my son and his girlfriend... my daughter isn't making it home for Christmas this year... the first Christmas that I will have missed having her around... but she's married... she has her own Life... it's ok, I suppose... but I did fight back tears earlier when we talked on the phone... My Life is changing...
After making all of the rounds earlier, I went to see Mom and Dad... and left flowers for them... and I cried... I hope that I made Christmas as special for my children as my Mom and Dad did for me... but I fear that their Mom has left them jaded about the Holidays... at times, I sense a great indifference in them about the Holidays... and when the day comes that I am no longer here, and Christmas rolls around, will they remember how much Dad loved them and how much he loved Christmas?? And will they honor Christmas somewhat just because Dad did love it so??
I have this 'Yogi Bear' stuffed animal, and a 'Mister Magoo' car... that 'Santa' brought me distant childhood Christmases ago... and I wonder how Mom must have felt when she would look through things and think, "I bet Jimmy would like this!" Both of these items are under my Tree tonight...
I miss the Christmases that Mom and Dad provided for me... and I miss the Christmases that I helped to provide for my little 'shoe' kids...
And I try each year to make Christmas special for them...
And maybe some day years down the road... they will think... "It's Christmas... Dad always loved it so..."
If you have a few moments read this... it's very touching, I think...
Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad...
Merry Christmas to any of you that read this...
~shoes~
I need some crying time every holiday too.
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I went and reread all ur Christmas post and Thanksgiving post. I needed to drive to Greenwood today and lay between Grandma and Grandpa Jackson's grave. My grandpa was a quiet man. Very quiet. My Grandma Jackson was the loud and laughing one. They were total opposites. I often wonder why they were a couple. They tell me I am my Grandma to a tee. She was always laughing and happy. She should have probably been crying a lot. They were very poor. They had a hard life. So I guess we are alike. We look for the good and happy times. We know that God will take us through whatever and we will pull people along with us. Those who need a hand pulling them. Oh this is a Christmas post. My Grandparents always seemed to have the Charlie Brown Christmas tree. It seemed to be a scrawny silver tree and a very small one at that but I lived it. I was laying in the tub last night looking at my Christmas silver retro tree that is currently on my bathroom vanity. Before it was on my chest of drawers but I had to let that go last year when I moved into my studio. That tree has been up for four years now. I could not stand to take it down four years ago because I was working a lot and I just wanted to look at the pretty lights and decorations a little longer. Well, I am not done with looking at it four years later. And I don't care what people say. If I want to leave it up I will. I only invite my closest of friends over and they are used to some of my crazy thoughts. I am longing for my favorite months October, November and December. They all are magical moments for me. The sights and smells. I keep it simple but there are certain things I do which starts off with a pumpkin that I cover with silver glitter just a little so my pumpkin sparkles just a little and it does not end until I change the lights out on my small Christmas tree to ring in the New Year. The tree has color lights for the month of December and then white lights January through November. Oh and I love to bake Gingerbread Men and decorate them. I was looking at my holiday recipes last night. I do not care if I get presents or not. I just love the feeling of these holidays. Sigh....
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