"Now... Why Don't He Write?"

'Dances With Wolves...'

Or...

"The reports of my death
have been greatly exaggerated."

~Mark Twain~

I got to looking at my blog... 

and saw that I hadn't posted anything in some time.

I am still alive... I am still kicking...

At times, I still really feel bad.

The headaches can be monsters.

There have been some spells where 
things have been much better...

and then there are times when they aren't.

Of the different drugs and such I have tried,

good ol' Tylenol and Alleve seem to work the best.

I found this diagram that explained a great deal to me...

It is rather obvious... it explains what 
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

has in common with Traumatic Brain Injury.

Each has its own unique symptoms and issues, but there are some that are shared by the two.  Of the ones unique to Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), the headaches are and have been the worst.  Sometimes, they have just been horrible.

There have been dizzy spells that have just been downright embarrassing... but I just tell me that at my age, we do slip... stumble... misstep. I've had many many spells of nausea... but have only gotten sick to my stomach once... but it was bad.

One spell happened while I was in the kitchen... after finishing, I just leaned over and rested my head on my arms... and the next thing I knew, I was coming to on the floor.  I have no memory of falling... and some kitchen items were on top of me... so I must have hit the wall pretty hard in order to have knocked them off the wall.

At times, I have trouble with noise... but that is one that seems to have gotten better since the fall.

For the shared symptoms, those are the ones that I still deal with the most.  Irritable... I am horrible.  I've had to apologize to people at work... I've had to apologize to students... I have had to apologize to friends...  there is no explanation for it... I just 'lose it.'

There is one high school friend that I cross paths with from time to time... she gets so upset with me because I can't remember her name... but I don't... and I can't recognize her. I went to the grocery one evening before coming home... and I saw so many people who came up to talk to me... I have no idea who they were. None...  Im sure that goes to cognitive disorders... I struggle with enunciation of words...  in my afternoon class today, one word... I just couldn't say it right... it frustrated me...

I repeated it over and over and over until I got it right.  It reminded me of Dustin Hoffman in 'Rain Man'... when he would repeat words over and over.

I struggle when I run into people that I know... and I should introduce someone... but the truth of the matter is that I can't recall the name of the individual that I have met.

Embarrassing.... so embarrassing...

I don't have insomnia issues... I get a sleep... but don't feel rested when I wake up.  When I fall asleep, it's as if a switch gets flipped off... and I just go dormant... until I wake up.

I've been teaching for a long time... way too many years... at the end of the day, I am worn out.  Lately, it's as if I have to work so hard... concentrate so hard... to make it through the day... it seems to take so much energy.  When I get home... I just crash. I go to bed and just sleep... wake up... and then go back to bed.

The information in this table is 10 years old, but scary all the same.  Two doctors have told me that I was lucky that I didn't die from the fall.  For that split second when I hit the floor, I knew it wasn't good.

But, when push comes to shove, I was a dumbass... 

I stopped paying attention...

I'm fortunate to be alive...

This has been one of the most difficult 

things I have ever had to go through.

Even though I am old...

This is the first time I have ever felt old.

~shoes~

~Post Script~

This thing has been in draft form forever... I would log in from time to time... add some things... but never post it.  The semester has ended... last week was the end of classes... this week is final exams and commencement.  I'm taking a break from grading and calculating scores and grades.  I am inundated with

"I need to make a..."

kinds of bullshit the past few days.  I've told them the whole fucking semester to not wait until the last moment... I've asked them to come and see me... 

All they want are 'welfare' grades... 'give me give me give me...'

Some little darlin' with a 42 average wants to do extra work.  

People in Hell want ice water...

Anyway... maybe it won't be another 5 or so months before I post again...

I used to enjoy writing...

Steenkin' New Year's Resolutions...

Happy New Year to all of you...

I can't believe that 

2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 

2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014

2015

is gone.

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'...

Into the future...

What is it about the past that we each remember so?

Are the memories of good and wonderful things?

... or do we remain haunted by what went amiss?

... things that just didn't turn out the way we wanted?

Is there some form of 'Pre-destination' 

that we follow through Life???

Or, are our Lives and our ultimate ends/destinations 

more determined by Karma??

Are the events that we experience directly related

to how we have lived our lives and treated others?

Is there really a difference between the two?

I wonder why I selected 'Calvin and Hobbes'cartoons for a post that asks rather serious questions?

What makes a good cartoon be a 'good cartoon?'

I always have enjoyed the messages from comic strips like 'Calvin and Hobbes,' or 'The Far Side'...  Some of the creators of such strips have such a wonderful insight into the  psyches of our souls, it seems. They seem to capture those fleeting moments and thoughts that we have all experienced...

A counselor that I was seeing after the death of my Dad and during my divorce suggested that I hide a great deal of hurt and pain behind humor... I do suppose that there is a great deal of truth to such a statement.

I fear that my direction has been determined

by the method indicated in the cartoon above...

... that I have just let things happen and I've drifted along with the flow.

Like clouds in the sky...

Like a limb in the river...

Like a fart in a whirl wind...

2016 is going to be a year of change for me.

I will teach one more year.

And then what?

I have no idea.

__________

2015 was a bizarre year for me...

On September 13, 

I fell off a ladder while painting my hallway at home, 

and suffered one Hell of a concussion.

I wrote about this HERE.

On September 14,

we had a shooting on campus that received national 

news coverage.  

I wrote about this event HERE.

The fall/concussion has been life-changing for me.

I am more irritable... I am more cranky.

My head hurts constantly, it seems.

Somedays are better than others... 

and then some days are Hell.

My performance in the classroom suffered this year... 

I put a formula on the board one day...

 the mid-point formula for calculating 

the coefficient of elasticity for demand...

... and when I stepped away to discuss/explain the formula,

I turned to start explaining the way the formula was constructed...

and it made absolutely no sense to me.

I had no idea what it was I was seeing.I kept waiting 

for it to make sense but it just wouldn't come into order.

I also have what I call a 'silent stutter' from time to time...

I will be talking and I suddenly just stop... 

and it's like I've hit a 'pause' button...

... and then it starts back again...

One night, I was at the kitchen sink... and became ill...

what a great place to get sick to my stomach...

I mean there was a garbage disposal.

... but the next thing I know, I am coming to while lying 

flat on my back on the kitchen floor.

I have no idea when I passed out, or falling... or hitting the floor.

I had worried about what if my head hit the floor again?

Ugh...

CT-scans tend to show everything is 'ok'... 

but as the doctor told me, just because the scans 

are coming back ok, it doesn't mean that there isn't a problem.

On a non-personal note,

my son, who recently moved to New Orleans,

was walking home from work a couple of days after Christmas...

had a couple of thugs come up behind him...

put a pistol to his head... and rob him at gunpoint.

Crime is out of control in New Orleans...

I'm so fortunate they didn't shoot my son.

I don't know what I would have done...

So... what's ahead for us in

2016?

I love these guys...

Happy New Year!!!

~shoes~

"Pin Up Girls..."

Desk Top Posts...

I am sure I saved the one below due to the captions...

I am sure I had something in mind...

I am/can be a rather snarky person...

so maybe this one was for a snarky post.

This kinda sorta looks like Lucille Ball...

No?

This is rather self explanatory...

I'm always making some kind of sexual innuendo...

I just never used this image...

This was for a dildo/vibrator post...

but i think I've already done several of those.

Of course, I always think they are fun... and funny.

If a woman has implants or wears falsies...

would she be upset if a guy undressed her with

false teeth??

Inquiring Minds want to know...

~shoes~

"Desk Top Posts..."

Let me introduce you to...

Desk Top Posts...

I collect images...

I collect photographs... 

and save them to my desk top...

Sometimes I think I save them for future blog posts...

Sometimes, upon 'rediscovering' them,

I have no idea why I saved them.

In order to clean up said desk top,

I am going to create a series of 'desk top' posts

that are designed to clean things up.

This might be fun...

~shoes~

"Mr. Manning..."

Death...

Be Not Proud...

Holy Sonnets: Death, be not proud

BY JOHN DONNE

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;

For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally

And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

I have known this man just about as long as my memory will allow me to remember anything...  whenever it was that I first met him, it was at my Dad's place of business... where Mr. Manning would come to purchase some odd-and-end pieces that he needed to complete some project on his farm.

Always, ALWAYS a pleasant smile... always glad to see you... and one of those two-handed hand shakes... where one has your hand and the other your wrist...

You knew he meant it.

Invariably, when I would go to dinner, I would see Mr. Manning... at one point in time, I would see him with his 'bride'... as he would call her.  She died a few years ago... I guess that is when his daughter came to live with him... to be his caretaker.

I would always see him, his sister, his son and daughter-in-law.  And I would always make a swing by the table to see him... shake hands... swap a few lies about stuff... He would always thank me for taking a few moments to come and talk to him...  I would assure him that the pleasure was all mine(and it was).

Our visits would always end with my telling him, "I'll see you next time."

I went to his visitation last night... 
and his funeral today.

It was sad... but not really... Mr. Manning had lived to the ripe old age of 100. He would remind me of that when I would see him... 'You know I just turned 100...'

My favorite part of his obituary was that 'He always had one horse or another named Charlie.'

A remarkable man...

Mr. Manning on the right... 
and his best bud, Mr. Latham...
who has also died within the past few weeks...

I shall miss you, Mr. Manning...

~shoes~

edited to included Obituary link...

http://www.rayfuneralhome.net/tribute/details/810/Farno_Clark_Manning/obituary.html

"Stupid Is...

As Stupid Does..."

I've done some pretty dumb-assed things in my Life... 

some, intentionally...

Some, unintentionally...

A few weeks ago... the Sunday before the chaos at work that next Monday, I decided to paint my hallway in my house...

I had the paint... I had two ladders... I selected the smaller of the two... the 'other one'... and then got to work...  paying attention to detail... trying to be thorough in my work... one thing about repetitive-motion work is that one tends to get lost in what he/she is doing...

At one point, I turned around on the ladder so I could reach this one area... right up there... (points right up there...) and I am just painting away.

I decide at some point that everything would be easier if I sat down on that top rung of the ladder... made sense.... I've done it before...

So.. I position myself as to where I want to be... 

I go to sit down on that top rung...

... there isn't one... at least not on THIS ladder.... 

I was using the 'other one'...

Remember??

Do you have any idea how quickly it takes to fall about five feet...

head first???

Backwards??????

I tried to find an image of a woman falling off

a ladder... evidently, ladies don't do this.

They just manage to look sexy...

... but WHAT she is doing...

is what I was TRYING to do...

just no upper rung.

Instinctively, on the way back and down, 

I started to curl my torso...

I actually hit on my upper back and shoulders... 

with my head curled up...

... but when I hit the floor,

my head snapped back so easily.

There was absolutely NO way I could

prevent it.

I remember being so amazed that I couldn't brace my

skull and prevent the impact.

It was hard.

The above image is what I felt my brain or whatever contents it was that my skull held... must have looked like.  I remember lying there for a moment... doing a quick inventory...  I could move.. my skull/scalp wasn't lacerated...  no broken arms... no broken back... 

I was amazed at how coherent I was... clear thinking...

I went to work the next day... and of course, that was the day we had the shooting are school. I seemed to be able to think clearly... rationally... logically...

At least, for me, anyway...

The symptoms/signs of a concussion didn't show up until Wednesday...

Or at least, that was when I became aware of them.

(Click on image to better see image)

I saw a sports doctor at the university... he told me that had I been a football player, I wouldn't be playing for a while.  I still have bad headaches... I still have feelings of nausea... at times I do have trouble thinking clearly...  my sleep pattern is all messed up...

People hurt themselves badly from these kinds of falls...

People die from these kinds of falls...

I was fortunate...

I was lucky...

~shoes~

"Dentist Visits..."

Ugh...

Recurring issue with a crown...

So... I lost a crown some time ago... 

got it replaced... 

and continue to have issues with it....

This didn't happen at my dentist...

Do you remember when nurses wore uniforms 

like this one above?

Well... I can't vouch for the garters and the thigh highs...

but I do mean the cap, white dress, and white nursing shoes.

Everyone wears scrubs now... 

...except one dentist I know... 

he wears a camouflage shirt...

whether it's hunting season or not.

I like the idea that people wait until they have an

approaching dental appointment to suddenly

become flossing maniacs...

... as if that is going to make a difference.

Evidently there is more than one way to skin a cat...

This has to be taught in a class in dental school...

pack a load of hardware in their mouths...

then, talk to them.

Do you have any dentist horror stories??

~shoes~