"I Hate You..."

This event actually played out yesterday at the 

funeral home just prior to my sister's funeral...

I was waiting for the family to gather for the prayer... 

just before the funeral for my sister...

I hear my name being called out...

... in a loud voice...

an announcement, if you will...

Shoes!

Shoes!!

Shoes!!!

It's the brother that I haven't talked 

to since the day we buried Dad...

It seems we were destined to talk 

again on the day we buried our sister.

"I want you to know that I hate you...

I love you as a brother...

but, I hate you!!!"

With my peripheral vision,

I could see people clearing out...

Why do people take opportunities like these

to make assholes out of themselves??

Do you believe in "Divine Intervention?"

There must be such a thing... 

...because I think my response to him was Classic.

I told him that...

"I've always loved you..."

... and looked him squarely in the eyes.

After an awkward silence, he said...

I need to go...

My reply was...

"yes you do..."

~shoes~

"Death Revisited..."

This is a re-post of something I wrote on August 18, 2011... which provides some background on this sister...  she could make one so angry... so upset... yet, I loved her. Maybe I cared for her and loved her because my Mom and Dad would have expected it of me...

I love you, Jane...

I pray you weren't scared...

I pray that you weren't in pain...

I am sorry I wasn't there with you...

~Jim~

__________

Transitions...

... defined as a process or the period of changing from one state or condition to another.

When my Dad died... and just a handful of months later, filed for divorce, my Life underwent a host of changes.  As my level of 'normalcy,' as I knew it, underwent great changes, I sought out the services of a counselor... someone who could possibly help me organize things back into some semblance of an existence with which I might could exist...

This counselor told me that considering what all I had experienced at that time, I was doing rather well... and that I had experienced four transitions in such a short time.

I asked her what a transition was, and she told me it was a change in one's Life that was so drastic... so significant... that one's Life would never be the same.

Yep... losing your last parent, and becoming an orphan (albeit I was an adult, it's still a shock to the system)... and then to follow that up with a rift in the family that would forever cause some kind of separation between the two sets of children that our parents had... and then the divorce... and then on-going behavior problems with my daughter...

Life had indeed changed...

... and it's changing again.  I am facing a new transition... 

When one is young, you don't expect your parents to die... you just don't... Mom and Dad and you and your pets and everything are going to live forever and ever and ever...

... but they don't.

My Mom was the first significant loss of Life to me.  I loved this woman... I adored this woman... I never wanted to hurt her feelings or make her upset with me... And she died...

I had issues with my Dad... I've posted about them and they are back there somewhere if you care to look and read... but after he had his stroke, I felt I needed to reach some sort of understanding with him... and I did. My greatest regret is that I didn't do that sooner.

At times, I can't even begin to comprehend how long Mom and Dad have been gone. All of the Christmases, and birthdays, and special events all seem like distant memories... and I guess they should seem this way... that's what they are now.

Well... one doesn't expect a brother or a sister to die... but they do.  We think... expect... that they, and we, will live forever... but they and we don't.

I've stated before that Mom and Dad had two litters of kids, so to speak... I'm the middle child of the second litter. There's a great age difference between the litters.

I've written about my oldest sister... and not in very nice terms, but I suppose part of that has been my trying to work out the angst that I have with her.  In years past, she has really fucked us (2nd litter) over... significantly too.

But I've worked past all of that... I forgave her. I haven't forgotten what she did, but I had to let some things go... we just have to from time to time.

I've become the guy who takes her to dinner several nights a week... goes and checks on her when she doesn't answer the phone, and have just been much of a trouble shooter for her.

I've become the family member who takes her up and down the highways to her doctor appointments.

... and in recent months, I've seen a great decline in her... physically and emotionally.  She's always been a strong person; I can't ever recall seeing her 'broken'... but that's how I describe her now.  She has no energy... she sits with her head in her hands.

...she tells me that she is scared...

... and she doesn't have to tell me why she is scared.  She sees it coming... as do I... as do my litter mates brothers.

I've been to the doctor with her every day this week... he told her yesterday that she needs to go into the hospital for treatment... and she has said, "no..."

Maybe she knows the 'Time' is here... without going into the hospital, it could be here really soon... My brothers and I are making efforts to get our other sister here... she needs to be here.

This has gotten longer than I meant for it to be...

All I really wanted to write about was how the guard always seems to change... our grandparents die... our parents die...

... and then your siblings.  It's our turn, I suppose.

I am dreading the weeks ahead...

~shoes~

"Death..."

Be Not Proud...

Death, be not proud

BY JOHN DONNE

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;

For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally

And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

My sister died yesterday...

~shoes~

"Eat Me..."

(dink: the sound my phone makes when I receive a text message...)

dink:  It's National Taco Day... I'm going to have a margarita...

~shoes~:  TACO PARTY!!!!!!!

Dayum... I didn't know today was National Taco Day... 

But I shouldn't be surprised... there's National No Panties Day... and National No Bra Day... so it just makes sense that there should be a National Day for Tacos...

Do you like tacos??

Me, too!!!!!!

~Tacos~

~Tacos~

~Tacos?~

I wonder if tacos are finger lickin' good?

Hmmmmmmmmm....

Tacos...

... and margaritas...

~shoes~

"Last Night I Had the Strangest..."

Dream...

[Disclaimer: This Dream was one night this past week;

Work with me here...]

... and was it ever fukt up.

Do you ever have fukt up dreams?

Dream Song #1

Really Strange Dreams??

... and wonder from where it emerged???

Last night, it seems that I had this dream about attending a party.  Not just a regular party, but a... party for swingers. No, not where everyone gets in a big swing and sways back and forth... but... a swingers' party.  

You know...

Wife swappin'...

(never mind that I'm single...)

(dreams don't have to make sense...)

There was nothing in it to indicate that it was such a party, but many times in dreams, one is privy to most of what is going on... and since it was happening in my head, I knew this.

... somehow, at some point, I sensed that people were going to start pairing off, and I was talking to a couple of women... and I was thinking, this is working out pretty ok... 

... and about that time, this matron figure of a woman walked up to us, and asked...

"Are any of you here new?"

Not to be one to lie about things like this, I said that I was... and she told me that I was...

DISMISSED!!!!

Dream Song #2

Oh Man!!!  

It seemed that just as things were just about to get interesting, I was going to have to leave... 

I mean...

I just got kicked out of my own dream!!!!!!!!

WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

It always amazes me that more often than not, the faces of people in my dreams aren't people that I know.  Just faces...  there were several individuals in the dream where I knew and recognized their names... but it wasn't them.

... anyway... it seems that almost immediately, I am at some kind of Mezkin Restaurant... and there is a woman at the far end of the bar/table... the sense is that she is with me... and she has told the guys that work there that today was my birthday... and they bring out a cupcake with icing and sparkles and stuff on it... and one candle... and they are all singing to me...

Possibly the best Dream Song ever...

As soon as they finish singing Happy Birthday, it's almost as if I am back at the swinging party... but it's a different one...  and things are REALLY progressing quite well!!

Now, before you go and start thinking, "Damn, Shoes must have one Hell of a sex life!!!"....

Uh, No...

How in the Hell does a succubus 

end up in a sex dream???

Anyhoo...

just as everything is about to go to the next level...

Clothing is going everywhere...

Bodies...

Body parts...

It looks like an "All You Can  Eat" buffet...

and...

I woke up...

Fukken fukken dreams...

A classic case of 'Dreamus Interruptus'...

There should be some kind of Karmic Law against dreams

like this ending like THAT!!!!!!!!!

Grrrr....

~shoes~

"The Bass Player Never Gets Any..."

Respect...

I think I tend to be an enigma... especially when it comes to music.  I can post videos and talk about musicians... and the band/musician/song of the post is always my mostest favoritest... it just happens that way.

Today, I got to thinking about The Allman Brothers Band... 

The Allman Brothers Band

At the Fillmore East...

This is the cover photo, above, of possibly the greatest live album ever recorded... the album is a compilation of recordings made over a two day period... and produced into one recording.

I tend to think of myself as a frustrated musician... and if I am being honest about things, I am probably a better teacher than I am a musician... but it sure brings me much joy to try to be a musician...

My instrument of choice is the bass guitar... I was hooked on bass the first time I ever saw The BeaTles on Ed Sullivan... there's a photo over there  on the right hand side of my blog of me playing one of my first guitars... a '63 Gretsch Bass...

My first actual bass guitar was similar to this one...

Norma Bass

Mine was blue sparkle... just like this one... only it had two pick ups... I wish I still had it today... it sounded like crap, but it was fun... and it would sure look cool today!!!

Over the years at work... I've been asked from time to time what would be doing had I not gone into teaching... and my response was, "well, I always wanted to play bass for The Allman Brothers Band..."

I would imagine that being able to play bass for them would have been the shiznits...

Back in the day, they had this fellow for a bassist...

Berry Oakley...

Berry and 'The Tracktor'

He could lay down a groove like none other...  his bass of choice was a modified Fender Jazz bass... he had the neck pick-up moved back to the bridge of the guitar, and had a Hagstrom bass pick-up installed... it seems to have given him his signature bass sound.

One Way Out

This clip above is one of my favorite songs from "... The Fillmore  East recordings."  At the 2:51 mark, the drummers carry the beat while Duane Allman and Dickey Betts trade licks...  at about the 3:19 mark, Berry comes in a beat early on bass... and the rest of the band has no choice but to follow him... it takes a measure or two, but they straighten it out, and get back into tempo.

There are bands today that don't recognize the error, and try to play it exactly this way... and it turns into a trainwreck...  The Allman Brothers certainly pulled it out!

Berry was killed in a motorcycle accident... you may be thinking, 'no, ~shoes~... that was Duane who was killed in a motor cycle accident...'

Well... that is true, too, but Duane was killed about a year earlier in a motor cycle accident... just months after "At the Fillmore East" was recorded...

Duane and Berry

Side by Side...

If'n I was wanting to play bass for them, that would have been great timing, but at that time, I wasn't aware that was what I wanted to do...

So... instead of hiring me, they hired a fellow by the name of Lamar Williams to play bass...

 ... and Duane really couldn't be replaced... so Chuck Leavell was brought in to play piano and keyboards instead of bringing in another guitarist.  Both of these musicians, plus one of the drummers, Jaimoe later went on to form 'Sea Level'... after the Allman Brothers dissolved in 1976.  Lamar was soon diagnosed with lung cancer... and doctors were able to link it to his exposure to Agent Orange during his time in Viet Nam... he died in 1983.

So I think you can  see where this is going...

Some time in the late 80's, the Allman Brothers reformed... this time taking on Warren Haynes on guitar and Allen Woody on bass...

Warren Haynes is a monster on guitar... and Allen brought back the melodic bass lines that Berry provided...  in between touring with the ABB, Haynes and  Woody also formed a trio by the name of Government Mule.

Haynes on guitar, Woody on bass...

These two guys really ignited the ABB...

... however, on August 26, 2000, Allen Woody was found dead in his hotel room...

So... for the sake of mortality, I don't want to be the bass player for the Allman Brothers Band anymore...

Just sayin'...

I stated earlier above... that Duane and Berry were killed in separate motorcycle accidents... about a year apart.  Story has it that Duane and Dickey liked to write songs in a cemetery in Macon, GA... and there was one grave site that always capivated them... the grave of Elizabeth Jones Reed Napier...  this fascination led to Dickey Betts writing of one of their best instrumentals ever...

In Memory of Elizabeth Reed...

Listen to this...

... and turn it UP!!

I'm sure it's just by coincidence... but Duane and Berry are buried very close to the grave site of Elizabeth Reed...  just the way she and they would have wanted it.

I guess I could still be a roadie for the Allman Brothers though...

~shoes~

"Once Upon A Time..."

I was a kid...

... and I loved art...

... and I LOVED music...

It's kinda strange in that regard...

... because I still do love Art and Music.

Have I ever told you all that I was an Art Major when 

I started college...

I loved to draw and paint...

I had this passion for Art back when I was just 

a pair of little Red Shoes...

I became aware of Bill Graham and his Fillmore West concert productions...

The Late Great Bill Graham...

One of the things that Graham did was to

have GREAT advertising posters

for the shows that would be

playing at the Fillmore West.

I became mesmerized by the poster art that 

were created for his shows...

... and decided,

I WANT TO DO THAT!!!!

... so I went about teaching myself how to do that 'far out' lettering.

This is an example of such posters that

promoted one of my favorite bands at the time,

Big Brother and the Holding Company,

which featured a relatively unknown singer at the time, 

Janis Joplin.

A poster from the Fillmore West

I learned how to do these posters... 

and class mates wanted me to do designs for them...

A poster from the Fillmore West

The Yardbirds!

AUGH!!!!

If that guy playing the opening riff and lead licks

on that white Fender Telecaster looks familiar,

that is Jeff Beck...

I've told this story here before... 

about how Jeff Beck replaced a guitarist

by the name of Clapton...

... and how Beck was replaced by a

guitarist named Page...

... and how the Yardbirds changed personnel...

...became the New Yardbirds...

and morphed into 

Led Zeppelin....

We had some bands in  high  school...

... and in the area...

they liked the work I was doing on posters...

... and asked if I had ever considered 

painting drum heads for bass drums...

not my work...

I thought... it can't be THAT difficult!

I bought some oil cloth... paints...  and started designing

heads for bass drums with 

the band's name and some kind of artistic design...

A poster from the Fillmore West

This was the first song of Santana's that I recall hearing...

Look at the names above on that poster...

Graham had all of these bands playing across a 

time span of about a week in his venue...

The Byrds...
A poster from the Fillmore West

Roger McGuinn wasn't that hard to spot,

but did you see the young David Crosby??

My senior year in high school... 

a friend and I organized a band for

a talent show that the school was having.

I made large posters to put up around the school...

for our band...

They were taken down as quickly 

as we put them up...

I guess they were popular...

Each semester, I tell myself that I want to go

take some painting classes...

drawing classes...

photography classes...

and try to get that Muse back...

... might even start a band.

~shoes~