"... so it goes"
I've written before about a book I've read that I really enjoyed...
... anytime someone dies, or Death is mentioned... Vonnegut wrote "... so it goes." The critics gave him grief over this, said he over-used it, but I am not sure that they read it in proper context... after all, we are all notorious for taking things out of context.
I work with this woman here... we have known each other since the first grade... her husband died Monday... he was an ag-pilot and he didn't come home.
Now, this post isn't about her... or him... but instead, I got to thinking about the suddenness in which she learned of his death. She saw him off to work that morning, just as she has any number of mornings, and had no reason to not believe she wouldn't see him later in the day...
... she has told me before that he has walked away from any number of crashes. I am guessing that it was assumed he would walk away from the next one... and he didn't.
What this post is about... is how we experience the death of a loved one... Which is easier to process? Which is easier to understand?? The sudden, totally unexpected Death? Or the long, lingering Death??
My Mom died from pulmonary fibrosis... a horrible death... but I suppose no more horrible than dying from a gunshot wound or an auto crash... but I did see Mom slowly die over a period of nine months... I guess the 'sudden shock' with her was when the doctor told us that Mom wasn't going to survive...
My Dad died from a stroke... not really unexpected... Dad was 90. It took Dad eight days to leave... I guess it's always a shock, whether it's the Death that is immediate or the immediacy of the news...
I don't really have an answer... one of the bloggers that I enjoy reading has posted about the deaths of people for whom she has known... and she writes of it so eloquently... with such respect.
I guess in trying to process which is easier to handle, immediate or gradual Death... is kind of like trying to decide whether the day of the funeral is a 'good day' or not... Dad told me that the day they buried GrandMother Brown, that it was a bad day... so bone-chilling cold (his words)... but what if the day had been bright and sunny... and pleasant? Isn't that still a bad day??
I don't know...
So it goes... Huh??
~shoes~
Thanks, Shoes. All I can say about death is to not concern yourself with the death, but with the life. So, live each day with people never leaving them wondering if you thought something nice but didn't share it, counted on them but didn't tell them why. When you extract every drop out of a relationship, the person can leave at any time (we only borrow folks) and when they do, you are changed forever and the fate of the world consequently because they affected how you affect others. It's the butterfly effect. We are all just butterflies. Oh, and as an example of letting people know what you think when you think it, Red, you are a renaissance man.
ReplyDelete"and so it goes..."
ReplyDeleteI say that a lot. When I say it I'm just saying, "I'll just carry on"...
I'm not scared of death - but I am scared of having a long, slow death. Not for my sake, but for those that I love and those that love me.
I hurt for your friend. :(
Her whole life was turned upside down in an instant.
I always make it a point to tell those that are important to me just how important they are to me... because one never knows when God might feel the urge to shake things up.
xoxo
robelyn
Ahhh...that thing that we don't talk about amongst the wives. Because the day you see the casualty officer walk up to your door is a day that will be burned in your mind forever.
ReplyDeleteI've been watching "Castle" to help pass the time and right before Beckett delivers the news to the family, she pauses outside the door. And says "Let me give them just a few more seconds of happiness before I give them the news that will change everything."
Now that I think about it, that might have been "Grey's Anatomy." Either way, it's still true.
I think it's the news of death...whether predicting or declaring that is the shock for us all. But we know it's coming. Death has no choice to but to come to our door...and the doors of those we love. And being guaranteed of its arrival is the best preparation possible.
I don't know... a slower passing gives time for people around you to say goodbye or be with you. A sudden instant death means you don't suffer but people around you don't get to say goodbye.
ReplyDeleteFor myself, I don't want a slow death. I want it instant. I don't want to be waiting to die, I don't want to be hooked up and drugged to alleviate my pain, just so I can live a week longer on my death bed. It's terribly selfish for the people around me who won't get to say goodbye, and it's weird thinking because I'm afraid of being alone when I die.
I have always considered myself very fortunate in the way my husband passed away. He was given 2-3 years before his liver would fail. So for 2.5 years we were able to talk about things, make plans, cry, and be consoled by each other while he was still alive. In the end it was much easier to deal with. This is why I always remind people to enjoy each day and discuss death. It's an important part of living, especially if something sudden happens.
ReplyDeleteFor the dying, unexpected is better - less suffering. For the survivors, unexpected is harder at first, but is better in the long run because the lasting memories will not be of a sickly, frail loved one slowly fading away.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post Red and you picked the prefect,sombre emotion provoking posts.
ReplyDeleteI have worked a fair bit with the terminally ill as well as lost far too many people in the past 5 yrs-several family and others who felt like family.
I can say it hurts to watch a love one suffer through a protracted terminal illness but it does prepare us for the inevitable reality to some degree. The sudden death,esp if the person was far too young to die, is especially difficult-almost unbearable.
Did you know that the medical definition of aging is- an incurable progressive,degenerative, terminal condition? :) We're all born with it.
And so it goes... my friend. :)
* I meant pictures.
ReplyDeleteWell, let me just clarify my point of reference as a Christian...I don't think death is in any way sad for the believer once they have crossed over. It's sad for those left behind. We mourn the time we will not spend. We mourn our emptiness, the gap they leave. Cold and bone chilling? Well, that depends on your religious perspective in my book.
ReplyDeleteQuick or slow? I think you hit the nail on the head. The impact is sudden, whether it is the unexpected call we receive that a loved one has died, or the lab results giving a longer, but no less severe prognosis. I see the plus/minus list for both. The quicker it goes, the less they suffer. The longer it takes, the more time we have to say everything we should have anyway. And the suffering. Hard to endure. Hard to watch.
Death, I think, teaches us how to live. I hope to live better. I hope to tell you...Shoes...before it is one day too late, that your friendship is important to me and I am so very grateful for it.
Glad to know you buddy!
Having experienced many deaths of friends and loved ones since I was very young, I think it's the age of the person that dies and how they die that effects me the most. A sudden death is always devastating but when the person is aged, it isn't as traumatic as a young person. A protracted death is heartbreaking and wrenching, no matter what the age, IMO.
ReplyDeleteOh! When I saw the title of this post, I immediately thought of Linda Ellerbee!
ReplyDeleteI think the long lingering death would be easy to understand because we would be around longer to get to understand it. But I would still prefer a quick death.
ReplyDeleteSigh...
ReplyDeleteI do not like feeling of "being left" when someone close to me dies. It changes my world everytime. And I wonder how others feel when someone dies in their life. I had three major deaths in less than 60 days. 2 young cousins anda very good friend. The good friend did a number on me too cuz I had to identify his body after a single car crash. It was bad. I have two pets that are like children to me and they are nearing their last years. I have not lost mom, dad, stepmom, brother or sisters but know that is gonna be hard in me. I am Christian so this should make it easier. It does not help my heart and I feel empty when death knocks on those I care about. I feel blue now. Seriously this hurts me. Why do we have to die? I wish I was five again. I do not want to experience these grown up things. I do not want to lose Buttons and Patches. They were wrong time does not heal all wounds.
StormyDawn :(
Perhaps it's something to do with how life goes on. You lose the love of your life, and the world moves on. It stops for no one.
ReplyDeleteI thought perhaps Vonnegut to say it better and found this, "Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why."
And I'll add, or no better or worse.
the quintessential question of the age. i've always thought that "...so it goes" is the most appropriate way to face the inevitability of it all. it's going to happen to us all. and like linda said, there is no "why."
ReplyDeleteas for the "good day" part: when i read that, i can't help but think of how criminally beautiful the weather was here in virginia on 9/11/2001. we drove three hours from east to west across the commonwealth that day, and in the words of bruce springsteen in the song "nothing man," "the sky was still that same unbelievable blue." it was GORGEOUS. the kind of day that, under any other circumstance, would make you glad to be alive. but that was no ordinary day. it was the perfect crystallization of "...so it goes." especially that day, there really was no why.
thoughts to your friend (and you). how awful.
Message to 400 Wakeups--I got brought to blogging through Tami Boyette's son's death, Chad. I went to high school with her. She took Facebook down and said to follow her blog. I did because I wanted to keep up with her. Not wanting to intrude on her time of grieving. I read how her and Katie were doing. Chad's death brought me to RedShoes blog cuz she followed. And his blog took me to each of the person's blog whom have commented. Now, I feel like I know of each of y'all intimately because u have shared ur lives through the blog. This makes me sad. It really bothers me death.
ReplyDeleteStormyDawn
I read "And So It Goes" by Linda Ellerbee. I am guessing she stole this line from Vonnegut, something I didn't know before, having never read Vonnegut.
ReplyDeleteResearch has shown that the long, lingering death takes a harder toll on surviving loved ones, believed to be due to the prolonged stress. It seems to me somewhere in between would be optimal, provided there isn't a great deal of suffering. Maybe several days warning, if you will. You get to see the loved one before they die rather than having no kind of goodbye whatsoever.
Regardless of how somehow dies, death is death and it hurts just the same. I definitely agree with @10:51- "lingering death takes a harder toll on surviving loved ones". Watching someone you love who is in such pain and there's nothing you can do about it...... You feel so helpless as they deteriorate in front of you. It takes it toll on you quite hard.
ReplyDeleteI'll never understand why my mom became ill and passed away but the one thing I've learned is life is so short. You gotta get out there and enjoy every moment that you can because no one truly knows what's gonna happen tomorrow.
P.S. I absolutely love the picture of the weeping angel because I have one in tribute of my mom. If you search through my very early entries you'll see a pic of it posted.
I read a book once.....ONCE.
ReplyDeleteSaw the comment posted & re-reading my comment I realized I didn't post the link:
ReplyDeletehttp://cocaineprincess.blogspot.com/2007/11/snow-in-caribbean.html
that's funny, i'm ready a kurt vonnegut book about death too, "god bless you, dr. kevorkian". it's very brief, but basically he interviews a bunch of famous people in heaven.
ReplyDeleteand i'm very sorry for your friend who lost her husband.
I don't know if either of them are easier; I suppose if someone has a terminal disease, there is time to prepare, but it doesn't make the loss any easier.
ReplyDeleteSide note: I've really contemplated "so it goes" as a tattoo for a very long time.
Condolences to your co-worker.
I don't think he overused it, but then again in my eyes the man could do no wrong. I did hear that Timequake sucked from more than one person, which is why that's the only book of his I still haven't read. I do think he left himself wide open for it with the critics on that account, but then again, fuck the critics. He was a unique genius and our greatest satirist since Twain.
ReplyDeleteSo it goes.....great post. Making me ponder on a day I should be relaxing.
ReplyDeleteNice to meet you. Great blog!
Too soon since the most recent loss of someone I loved to really comment.
ReplyDeleteBut I do love reading here. You make me think.
Great post Shoes. There are no right or wrong answers here. My father had a terminal illness and I watched him slowly die. The day he passed on wasn't a shock.Since he suffered, I was relieved his pain ended, but terribly sad that he was gone.
ReplyDeleteNot meaning to burden you or your conscience. But I have always, well for as long as I can recall, held the belief that there are things in this world that are much worse than dying.
ReplyDeleteThe worse thing about death, for me, is not knowing where they've gone. Sudden death of someone I love scares me much more than gradual. You can never prepare for death but the shock of seeing someone healthy and fine and then not ever seeing them again scares me more than anything. The torture of seeing someone go gradual is equally as awful but not quite as scary...
ReplyDelete@ Autumn... I like your idea about our only 'borrowing' another within our lives. Death is what it is... but the focus of this post was about the manner in which our Lives change... much along the lines of the comment that 400 Wake-Ups left.
ReplyDeleteMe? A Renaissance Man?? Thank you... I tend to perceive myself as pretty much of a fuck-up just trying to understand Life before it passes me by. You are too kind!
@ Gobbles... we have to tell those we care about that we do feel that way. That one time we tell them... that could be the last time. Yeah, our worlds can get rearranged in a heart beat, can't they?
@ 400 Wakeups... what a poignant comment. That would have been a wonderful post in its own right. I am reminded of that scene in 'Saving Private Ryan' when the Mother is washing her dishes, and she sees the staff car drive up... and she already knows... the part where she just collapses into a sitting position captures that 'change' so well. Please know how much... how deeply... I appreciate your husband's service to our great Country.
@ France... being alone would scare me as well. *huggles*
@ Barb... yes, Live each and every day... as if it's your last. It easily could be. I am so happy for you that you and your husband had that time together... I can't imagine how important that was for you two.
@ Catch Her... you are so right. I wish my Mom hadn't lingered so... it is all about the perspective of it all. I hope all is well with you...
@ Hi there, Uber... thank you. I tend to pick my photos/images for any post as I am writing it...
I like your definition of "aging'... it's VERY true!!
@ Annie... it's most definitely all about those left behind. For the one making the journey, it's another opportunity.
I like the part about Death teaching us how to live. And thank you so much for your kind words regarding our friendship. Please know that I return those sentiments...
@ Nitebyrd... you know, it dawned on me as I was reading the comments, that she did write a book by that title, didn't she? I've always liked and respected her drive and zeal for Life. She also readily has admitted that her children have been the most important aspect of her Life... as a parent, I certainly appreciate that!
~shoes~
@ Zombie... I can understand having the longer time for 'goodbyes' and such. I remember one evening, I was trying to help Mom with her dinner... when one has pulmonary fibrosis, the lung tissue just dies, and one loses the ability to breathe. Mom became oxygen-starved... and I got up and left the room because I didn't want her to see me crying... I wouldn't be a very good poker player... I wear my emotions on my sleeve. She would know something was amiss... but in retrospect, she probably did anyway.
ReplyDelete@ Stormy Marples... we are left behind when someone dies. Obviously, all of the grieving and such is all designed for who are left behind. It's not a good feeling...
@ Linda... I love that Vonnegut quote... and yes, "no better... no worse..."
As a side note, I was looking through some books that Liam Larry gave me... one of them is "Jailbird," by Vonnegut. As I leafed through it, I found it to be an autographed copy. How cool is that?? :o)
@ Magnolia... the day you describe for Virgina was exactly how it was here in Mississippi that day. I left the house for work just about the time that the first plane would have crashed into the building. The bluest of blue skies...
There is no "why"...
@ Yogurt... that makes so much sense.
I've always liked Linda Ellerbee, and have not read her book. I need to remedy that.
@ Princess... I love the photo of the weeping angel.. thank you for the link that took me there. There is something about a weeping angel... they look as if they are in the greatest pain.
Life is short. Too short to waste. I am sorry for your loss of your Mom. All I can say is that I understand...
@ Heff... for some reason, that does NOT surprise me! HAR!!
@ kage... Many of Vonnegut's books are short, but, to me, really insightful. I like many of his quotes...
@ Smedette... I would SO love to see the tattoo if you get it!
@ Elliot... what was the name of that 'back-to school movie of Rodney Dangerfield's? He had to write an essay on Kurt Vonnegut's work, and I think the professor gave him a 'C' for his efforts!!
@ Single Again... thank YOU for stopping by!!
@ Ami... thank you for the kind compliment... I don't know... sometimes I am thoughtful and deep... and other times I'm posting about clown sex... I can't explain it... :o)
I am so sorry for your recent loss. I hope you are doing better... *huggles*
@ Marnie... yes, terribly sad that they are gone... I so understand...
@ Kurt... my conscience is ok... I was just pondering the suddeness with which someone is gone, and how the one left behind copes.
Yes, many things worse t
@ Elisecrets... Yes, that's the great mystery.. The next great frontier. And I can so relate, either way is so hard to understand. Thank you for your visit...
I am so taken aback by the level of the responses you all have left. I have learned SO much from this exchange.
Thank YOU all so much!!!
~shoes~