It requires that I tell you ten (10) things about myself... I think I've already clarified that I am somewhat fukt up and dysfunctional... is that one thing or two? I forget...
I've ranted enough about the possibility of losing my job at Alluvial Flood Plain State University... blah... who cares any more... not me... (well, a little maybe...)
You know that I own WAY too many guitars... and that I love RED Chuck Taylors...
Let me think about some things I can tell you about myself that maybe you don't know... If you should become intrigued, feel free to ask questions and I will follow up...
#1 - I've always been somewhat of a goofball...
When I was in the Air Force, even lowly flight line crew personnel had to qualify with the M-16... we would go to firing range, it seemed, once a year... and get to shoot about 100 rounds down range at some target...
The Firing Range officer was always some dry, wry, person who had no sense of humor... granted, he was responsible for the lives of everyone on the firing line and range... but still...
He reminded me of Gunny Ermy... he would line us up on the firing line and tell us:
Infrontofyouyouwillfindone(1)coltM-16rifleandfive(5)clipsof.223caliberammodesignedtobefiredinyourweapon.whenigivethecommandyouwillpickupyourweapon,insertone(1)clip,onmynextcommand,youwilllockandloadyourweapon,andonmynextcommandyouwillswitchyoursafetyclockwisetothesemiautopositionandonthecommandof'commencefiring'youwillfireyourweapondownrangeatyourtargetandkeepyourweaponpointeddownrangeuntiligivetheorderofceasefire!doyouunderstand?
Man.. he would say all of that in one breath... I was tired from just listening to him!
Then we proceeded along until it was time to flip the safety. Hmmm... did he say 'clockwise' or 'counter-clockwise?' In all of the confusion, I lost track of his instructions (thought in my best Dirty Harryesque manner)... on top of that, I had NEVER fired any weapon on full automatic in my life... and wondered what the chances would be after I got out of the military...
The safety mechanism on a M-16 looks like this....
... so it would definitely be possible for some yokel from the flatlands of Missippi to screw that order up... so... when he gave the order to switch the safety to semi... I switched it an extra click to 'auto'... and people began firing... pow... powpow... pow... and then about that time... brrrraaaaaaaaapppppppp... man, that mother emptied that 20 rounds before I even knew what happened... and Range Officer... had... a... COW!!!!
CEASEFIRE!CEASEFIRE!!GODDAMMITWHODIDTHAT?!?!?!
I went ahead and raised my hand because it wasn't going to be difficult to determine who had done it... I got yelled at... cussed... and all of that...
but...
I also got to shoot the M-16 in full-automatic mode...
SWEEEETTTTT!!!!!
# 2 - Man, the rest of these can't be THAT winded... I got a text message today saying something about 'Hot Monkey Sex'...
# 3 - I struggle in relationships with women... but that's nothing new...
# 4 - on my night table, I have the following: A book, 'Spiritual Literacy: Reading The Sacred Into Everyday Living,' a book, 'Super Hot Sex,' and a S&W Model 19, 357 Magnum. Talk about confused! LOL
# 5 - The women that I have dated tend to tell me that the facade that I have of being a professor greatly masks my passion.
# 6 - My counselor has told me that I hide a great deal of hurt behind my humor... go figure...
# 7 - To be a professor, and someone who conducts continuing education seminars, I am very shy...
# 8 - I don't care that I have a brother that I haven't spoken to since we buried Dad... almost 15 years ago...
# 9 - I decided to take this one out... I shouldn't have put it here...
# 10 - I would so love to fall madly in love with someone special...
Man, to start off somewhat light-hearted, this thing really went down-hill... didn't it?
Now, I need to share this madness...
What about...
Spring Flower...
Robin
Amethyst Anne
Martie
That should cause enough havoc!!!
~shoes~
I hope you find your #10. You deserve it.
ReplyDeleteI agree that people who are really funny are just using the humor to mask what is really bothering them.
ReplyDeleteThat may be true. But humor is a great coping mechanism as well. I could never keep bitching and moaning when I get to laughing like a maniac. Lighten up, Francis!
ReplyDeleteYes, I want you to find your #10 for sure. :)
ReplyDeletePS: Thanks & I'll play along in a month!!!
How did that gun sound again? LOL
ReplyDeleteYou need to get a text that says, "I'll be all over you like a spider monkey - hot monkey sex"... and then you can reply with "super hot spider monkey sex" or a line out of the book on your nightstand!
Sometimes you have to laugh at the things that hurt 'cause otherwise you'd shrivel up into a shy, passionate ball of goo under the table somewhere... silver linings. 1/2 full glasses... laughing so hard that the liquid from the first half of the glass comes out your nose. Therapy!
Dieing to know what #9 was... curiosity and all...
#10 Special Ed or Special Forces? I hope you find your special monkey in the zoo - I bet there's one in there somewhere with your name on her.
;-D
I think we tell way to much about ourselves as it is, I'm going to start a reward that consists of telling ten lies we'd rather the internet believe about us! Now that would be much better.
ReplyDeleteYou do realize I'm going to lie awake at night wondering what No. 9 was, right? Tease! And I love the picture of that cow, cracked me up! I love the long-winded story!
ReplyDeleteI am really curious now about #9. I am also curious about how well I did in my blogging suggestions. I know That One Girl might have seemed like an odd choice. She is very funny, actually, and very normal. We both need that. It is good to know what it looks like. We know what the other stuff looks like. Keep reading if you gave up too soon;-) And thanks for the award. I love sharing....
ReplyDeleteHumour is better than heroin ... just sayin ...
ReplyDeletethat's a great M-16 story :)
I hate it when people have a cow.
ReplyDeleteAre you telling us a monkey TM'd you today for sex OR are you saying your presence was requested by someone wanting you to participate with them in this form of sex?
The reason a person says #10 is because they have already created the "fantasy" of someone special and someone special is not the fantasy. That's why they are special.
I know many people who mask their shyness behind humor. I find nothing wrong with that. :)
ReplyDeletexo
i was secretly hoping you'd say that your blog handle is an elvis costello reference to my favorite song of his, "(the angels wanna wear my) red shoes." this is what plays in my head when i read your blog or see one of your comments over at my place, without fail, every time.
ReplyDeleteGood morning! Just barely... it's almost noon... just gave the final exam... it's all over but the crying for the lil babies now...
ReplyDelete@ Jessica... I hope so as well... I will say more about this down in Charlene's comment... Thank you... :o)
@ Senorita... I'm not sure everyone does it, but my counselor sure picked up on my doing it... and like Linnnn said, I'm better off hiding behind the humor, or I would really be a sad one...
@ Linnn.. I agree, if I didn't go to my goofy side as much as I do, I would be one sad sack... :o( I'm better off hiding behind my humor, as long as I realize I am working through things... I hope all is well with you!
@ Spring Flower... I will find her... I'm sure of it! :oD
@ Red.Neck.Chic... I think that gun went... 'BRRrrrraaaaaapppp'... or something like that... You wanna know what #9 was? Email me... I'll tell... I just decided that it didn't belong in the post... :o)
@ Bathwater... Yeah, at times, I know you are right... I think blogging has replaced a great deal of my journaling... so I need to be aware enough to take some things to my journal... I hope all is well for and with you...
@ Just Another Girl... yeah, I love the way those guys at South Park illustrate cows... LOL... it's so funny... How are things for you today??
@ Hi, Robin... it's been SO busy around... I did visit your recommendations... and I will get back to you on that.. ok? I think what you are doing is fun!!
@ Stacy LMAO!!! Yes, you are RIGHT!!!! How was your trip?!?!?
@ Charlene... yeah, that guy had a GREAT cow... I am telling you!!!
I'm hoping it wasn't a monkey TMing for that kind of sex... but given the skills that monkeys have, plus opposable thumbs... it could have been a monkey!!!
I guess #10 could be a fantasy since she hasn't been around... of course, if/when she shows, and she is someone special... then she would still be someone special for me... :
@ Vixen... Hey you... yeah, hiding/existing behind my humor as been a God send at times...
@ Magnolia... I belong to a guitar forum... and 'the angels wanna wear my red shoes'... is in my profile there! I LOVE that song!! I love many of his songs... so, in part, you are RIGHT about that!!
I wonder if Angels wear Converse Red Tennis Shoes? They should...
@ 劉隆季劉隆季... 你是完全正确的！！ (You are exactly right about that!)
~鞋~
~shoes~
Give me humor any day of the week!! Oh and I think- for the record, that it takes a lot of passion to be a professor too.
ReplyDeleteI will play along I promise- when I get back.
In the meantime- keep laughing, keep smiling and keep your eyes open for#10!
@ Amethyst Anne... I agree... anything for which one has a passion, then It is fun... I've said that I think I have the best job in the world... I LOVE being in the class room... I'm not always happy with their effort, but I enjoy 'performing'...
ReplyDeleteWherever it is you are going, have fun!!!!!
~shoes~
i'm really interested in the one you deleted... spill it shoes!
ReplyDeleteHI! Hope you're enjoying your weekend! :)
ReplyDelete