"Valentine's Day..."

Blah... "it was the best of times... it was the worst of times..."


Except for the 'blah' part, that's how 'The Tale Of Two Cities" starts off...


Today hasn't started off well for me... I am having a hives attack from Hell this morning... I look like I have an Angelina Jolie mouth today... I don't know what has caused this... I don't perceive myself to be stressed...


I remember when I was LittleBoyShoes that I always enjoyed and looked forward to Valentine's Day... At school, we would be asked to bring an old shoe box... and we would spend an afternoon decorating it... so we would have it ready for the Big Day...


The homeroom mothers would bake cakes... or cupcakes... and we would spend maybe the last hour of the school day playing...

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Yesterday, I got a phone call (Karen) and a text message (Amanda) wanting to have sex hook ups... I made up excuses... it just wasn't what I wanted at that time... and its not what I needed at that time...  I got an email from the married woman this morning.. Blerk!! Same feelings as above...  I received an email (Jan) who was bringing me up-to-date on her plans to move back to her home town...  and maybe how we could plan a trip to Sedona, AZ before she leaves... back when we were a couple, we always talked about wanting to go out there together...

Again... Not sure why all of this is popping up... Loneliness maybe... but that's not how that feeling manifests itself in me... I guess I tend to be more withdrawn...

However, my high school sweet heart has resurfaced after a whole host of years... I wouldn't mind seeing her again... who knows... I feel that there is/was some unfinished business there...

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Fourteen years ago this morning, my Dad had his stroke... I got my journal out that I started and read about what all transpired...  Things kind of like what a vulture good person  my oldest sister is was... How she changed the locks on Dad's house there towards the end of his life took such good care of him...

One of the more special moments... more powerful moments... occurred on the Sunday before he died... I was at the hospital with him... he and I were alone... and he asked me, "Jimmy... where's your Mom?"  Mom had died many years earlier... from pulmonary fibrosis... so Dad was with me enough to know that I was there... and make some connection to Mom... but the concept of time wasn't there...

I thought for a moment about how to answer Dad... and what effect the truth could have on him... so I told him (taken from my journal), "Dad.... Mom's gone home... she's waiting for you to come home to be with her..."   That calmed Dad... and he went back to sleep... it wasn't until I was writing this occurrence in my journal that I realized the real message that I had given him... that Mom HAD indeed gone home... and that she was indeed waiting on him...  I remember crying so hard when I wrote that recollection down... I think I that was when I realized that I had told Dad that it was OK for him to go... in the days to come, when I would be with him... I would get a damp wash cloth... wash his face... and I would tell him that it was OK for him to "go"... whenever he was ready...

I consider Valentine's Day to be the day that my Life totally changed forever... my counselor referred to it as a 'day of transition' for me... a day in which my life changed in such a way that it would never ever be the same again...

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To my former wife... I loved you... you will never ever know how much I cared about you... how much I wanted you to remain a part of my Life... and me a part of yours...

For Jan and for Laura... I loved each of you... Jan, you came along at a time in my Life when I felt I would never love again... or even could ever love again...  

So... I don't feel hopeless...  I just don't feel loved... of course, I know my children love me, but I think there is some genetic predisposition for children to love their parents...

Happy Valentine's Day everyone...

~shoes~