Showing posts with label Black Shoes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Black Shoes. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

"So I'm Going To Hell... What Else Is New?



O.K., O.K., O.K...


I get it... the past 24 hours have been SO stressful for me... and it's true... I DO use humor to mask anxiety and pain...
I honestly have nothing against women drivers, but this is funny as fuck...

Soooo...


Eat Me...

 Back in November, I posted about calling someone a "pig fucker" HERE.   It's become a term of endearment, I believe... One of my favorite bloggers, Catch Her In The Wry has a great post HERE... about... err... ummm... well.... just look. I promise no pigs were injured in the process. Oddly enough, this event occurred about 40 miles from where I live...

Maybe I will post about the source of the anxiety later...

~shoes~

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

"Titty Titty Bang Bang..."



Last night, I was channel-surfing and ran across a TV Waste of Time show called something like "1,000 Ways To Die..." and obviously, one of the segments was titled, 'Titty Titty Bang Bang..."  For your viewing pleasure...




... and of course,  you know that had to set the course for the rest of this post...





Kinda reminds me of 'Bobbing For Apples...'



I wonder if there are Boob Zombies???
Yep...




I say, 'Go For It!!!'



Hmmm... the new Professor Shoes Grading System???


I already know I'm going to Hell...
I thought this was funny!!!

~shoes~

Friday, December 10, 2010

"I Feel 'Funny' Today..."

I don't know yet if you all should be scared or not... the last time I wrote about 'feeling funny,' I wrote THIS... 


Last week was the last week of classes here at Alluvial Flood Plain State University... this has been exam week... today is the last day of exams, and tomorrow is Fall Commencement.... Needless to say, I don't want to go tomorrow, but I am sure that I will see some students and some parents that will make it all worth while.


It's the end of the semester... the end of the year... the first is anti-climatic... the other should be joyous what with Christmas and the holidays coming up...   I tend to be upbeat most of the time, but today, my ass is dragging...


Arf Arf...


The College of Business had their Christmas Party this week... I didn't go... I boycotted it... it's not that I have anything against Christmas... quite the contrary... I've just about reached 'critical mass' with some of the people around here... It will pass....


I came close to killing Liam Larry last week... The "Larry, Jerry, and Shoes Show" met for lunch at a local place... we agree to meet at wherever it is we are going to eat, so we all can leave on our own time frame... when I walk in the door, Liam Larry is having a tirade with the lady at the cash register as to why his ticket is eighty cents higher than Jerry's... Larry was just having a cow...  and it tested my patience...  I have found that my patience... my tolerance gets low at the end of the semester...




I'm always amazed at what I find when I google for images... like for 'dragging ass,' I found this one... that is ONE creative kid!! I need to try this out!!! Look at that form... the knees are locked... the mass of the kid's body is on the backside of the knees so he/she can't crumple... the face of the child is providing enough resistance so that he/she doesn't slide backwards and fall on its ass... Brilliant, I tell you...




I also found this one... I imagine that one of these days... one of you will ask... "has anyone seen ~shoes~ around? He hasn't posted in a while..."  I don't know why I think this is funny... but I do...


Model Sex...
Well... it had to be just a matter of time before this post turned to sex...


Passing the Buck...
Rhut rho... what  a three-way we have going here!!!!!




Damn... today IS Friday!!!!!!





Is she wearing happy grizzly bear sleeping pants??



It's lunch time... 


I guess that qualifier leaves me out of the mix...

A Philosophraptor...???


Blah... Where did my Muse go???

~shoes~

Monday, November 29, 2010

"Fight Club..."

Have any of you ever seen the movie, 'Fight Club?'  I've mentioned it way too many times, along with one of the characters of the story, Tyler Durden.   There is this unnamed narrator who works as a product recall specialist... he is to determine if any potential market recall of an automobile meets the criteria established by cost-benefit analysis...


Early in the movie,  this narrator (Edward Norton) develops insomnia... he discovers that he is defined by his job and the possessions that control his life.  His condo mysteriously explodes... he finds himself homeless... and this is when he meets Tyler Durden, a charismatic extremist...


It seems that from this point forward, that Tyler Durden is the polar opposite of the narrator... Tyler Durden is "out there"... the narrator is safe.. predictable... even nice...


Near the end of the movie, the narrator makes the uneasy discovery that he IS Tyler Durden... this other personality that has been smoldering beneath the layer of the narrator's skin... and it seems a battle ensues for the possession/control of the narrator's soul...
Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) and unnamed Narrator (Ed Norton)
__________
I've thought long and hard about my posting pattern... How else can I explain how on consecutive posts, I write about things like Monument Valley , or beautiful Sunsets , or The Grand Canyon... and how spiritual I find these places to be... how I am trying to get connected/reconnected...

And then I turn around and post about X-Rated Telephone Calls...  This kind of posting exists all throughout my blog... almost ever since I started it...

I think I have finally figured it out... it started to make sense to me the other night as I sat and watched 'Fight Club' on TV for the gazillionth time...

I have figured out that there is a 'Good' Shoes... and there is a 'Dark Side' Shoes...  Well, not really a Dark Side... but one that seems to be the polar opposite of the spiritual-seeking Shoes as opposed to the pig-fucking Shoes...

I think I have a Tyler Durdenesque character that is wrestling for control of my blog...  Does this 'Dark Side' Shoes have an identity? Does he have a name??  I'm not sure yet... but I know what he looks like...


Black Shoes...
Now you will know...

~shoes~

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

"Monday Afternoon Telephone Call..."

Seriously...


Seriously...


My Phone:  Ringggg... Ringggg....


Me:  Hello...???


Caller:  ... (pause)  Fuckface...


Me:  ... (longer pause)... Fuckface Motherfucker...


Caller: ...(pause)...you're a Fuckface Twat Licking Motherfucker...


Me:  ...(pause)  You're a Pig Fucker...


Caller: (gasps) Why... why... why did you call me a Pig Fucker???





Me:  Because you fuck pigs...


Caller:  Oh yeah... hahahahahahahaaaa...


~shoes~

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

"Learning Curves and Other Shiznit..."

Learning Curve: (n) learning curve (a graph showing the rate of learning (especially a graph showing the amount recalled as a function of the number of attempts to recall))

I've mentioned  my family's business several times... a scrap metal recycling plant.  I worked with my brothers and my Dad there before setting out on a different Life Course.  It was difficult working with two brothers who refused to allow the business to operate as a business... they were insistent on it running as an extension of the 'Family'...


Not Necessarily my Brothers...


Several years ago, when scrap metal prices reached record highs, the theft of copper and other non-ferrous metals soared... and so did the theft rates of these metals.  As a means of trying to combat rising theft rates, the State of Mississippi (as well as other states) passed laws requiring extensive record keeping and reporting methods that could only be met by purchasing expensive and complicated computer systems.  We spent around $50,000 for the systems and soft ware... 


When problems arise, they tend to call me... I will go down and help them straighten out their problems.. which mostly consist of... "How do I send an email?"


Learning Curves are Hell...
A Typical Learning Curve...


A Rather Atypical Learning Curve...


About a month ago, They needed me to come down and show them how to email photos of some material that had possibly been stolen to Law Enforcement.  This really is a two-sided Learning Curve because most of our Law Enforcement here in the County don't understand the technology either.  They are supposed to be able to go on-line to this bureau to whom we report the material, and download the information that they need.  But I digress...


One of the brothers call me today, tell me that they need help with the computer... when in reality, they need help sending an email... While I'm at the office showing them again how to do this, I ask him to open his email so we can check something...


Brother:  "How do I do that?"


Shoes: "You don't remember? I wrote the instructions down in a note book for you..."


Brother:  "What note book?"


Shoes: "Never mind..."


So I open the email folder... and discover that he hasn't gone into his email since the last time I was at the scrap yard helping them with these problems... Hell, he had email from scrap purchasers concerning the quality of some material that had been shipped... very timely material, and because they shun technology, they aren't aware of things that are going on every day with their business...


Watching them work on a computer is like watching a monkey use a typewriter... Just not pretty...
Not Necessarily My Brother...


They have been insanely successful with the business in spite of themselves, I fear... but I do love them... if I had to work with them, well... I just don't think I could...
____________

There were three things I learned this past weekend...

#1:  There is no such thing as a 'neener second'... I was trying to convince someone that a 'neener second' was a shorter period of time than a 'nano second'... in order to prove my point, I asked a waitress at a restaurant about 'neener seconds...

"No such thing as a neener second" she said as she popped her chewing gum... She was smarter than I gave her credit for being...

#2:  There is such a thing as a 'Coot'... but of course, I knew this... I couldn't convince others of this, however...
A Real Coot...

An Old Coot...

... and #3:  "It's not cheating if you put peanut butter on your testicles and your dog licks it off..."


______________
No Alcohol was consumed during the creation of this post... 
although there should have been...

Hmmm... Redheads...

~shoes~

Friday, November 5, 2010

"Achy Breaky Heart..."

Poor ol' Billy Ray...



It seems that he and his wife are divorcing...  according to 'US Weekly,' the reason for the divorce is that while Bret Michaels was recording with his daughter, Miley, Bret was also doing Mom...

Bret Michaels and Tish Cyrus...


Bret seems to have quite a following...


Bret, his babies... and his babies' Mama, Kristi Gibson


In spite of Bret and his various forms of 'Rock Of Love' tours... in which he seemed to score with each of the different women on tour with him, he claims to have had an on-again/off-again sixteen year long relationship with his babies' Mama... and says that the odds of him marrying her are about 50%...


Bret and his 'Rock of Love I' Girls...


Bret and his "Rock of Love II' Girls...


Whatever 'Ickiness' factor Bret seemed to have, he garnered a great deal of sympathy this past year when he suffered a brain hemorrhage, heart surgery, both on top of being diabetic, and it seems a host of other health related issues , and then went on to win 'The Apprentice...'


... and what had Billy Ray done???



One source said that the reasons for the divorce amounted to his 'mid-life' crisis consisting of sleeve tattoos, and his refusing to grow up...
_______________


OK... I really shouldn't do this...  but...


Do you ever wonder where your significant other is??? Like when they say that they are going to be somewhere, but they aren't... and they don't or won't answer their phone??


There is a GPS technology that is available that will allow one to enter a cell phone number... and this program will give you the location of the phone almost immediately...   I have tried it... it is insane!!


If you want to try it, click HERE .  Like I say... it's amazing technology!!!


I had lunch with Liam Larry today... and he told me the saddest story about something that had happened in his Life... and it bothers me... it bothers him... he told me that he is haunted by it to this day, and that it still causes him much anguish and tears...


But this isn't the post to mention that story...


~shoes~

Friday, October 15, 2010

"Weird Shiznit..."



I feel funny today... Not 'ha ha' funny... nor 'clown' funny... nor 'gay' funny... just 'funny'...


This guy looks like the Marilyn Manson 
version of Emmett Kelley...

This didn't start out as a clown post...

I'm just weird that way...
Oh... that reminds me of a bad joke...

Do you know why cannibals don't eat clowns???




They taste funny...

I warned you...



I would love to have a cadre of clowns to be my pall bearers when the time comes...





Hmmm... would you screw a  clown?




I wonder if Ronald McDonald likes blow jobs???


He sure seems to have a smile on his face...

I wonder if she likes his special sauce?

I wonder if she ordered a McWeiner??

I wonder if she super-sized it???


Clown porn... who woulda thunk it??

That guy on the left needs some super-sizing...

Just sayin'...

Well... I dunno what happened here... I had started off in a different direction... I'm not sure how clowns hi-jacked this post... but they did...  Fukken clowns...






~shoes~