Jerkin' Off....
So... I was talking to this young lady on the phone just a few moments ago about her activities of the day...
'I Touch Myself'
The Divinyls
... I had the phone up to my head... and my right hand was inside my shirt, and I was just kinda slapping my chest with my hand (substitute the sound of a helicopter here).
You don't have to listen to the entire length of this video in order to get my point...
Unless...
Her: 'What's that noise?'
Me: 'What noise?"
Her: 'That noise that I just heard...'
Me: 'Oh! That noise that sounded like someone
was jerkin' off?'
Her: *Sounds of Crickets chirping*
Me: 'Hello?'
Her: 'Oh.... Yes, it did...'
Me: 'How do you know what a man jerkin' off sounds like?'
Her: *Sounds of Crickets chirping*
Me: 'Hello?'
Her: *nervous laughter*
The dumbass that created this poster
can't spell 'masturbation'...
I offered several possible answers for her to claim as for reasons she might know what a guy jerkin' his gherkin sounds like... but she just continued with that nervous laughter... and at some point, started she talking like Frank Pentangeli from'The Godfather II...
'Frank Pentangeli'
Supposedly, it's a rather natural function... yet... she had that nervous laugh...
As if she was hiding something...
Holy Cow... a hand condom for those who like to...
'Shake hands with shorty...'
'Do the Five-Knuckle Tango...'
'Burp the worm...'
'Fist your Mister...'
'Feel in your pocket for your
big hairy rocket...'
'One stick drum improvisation...'
(With all due apologies to Def Lepperd)
'Pound the flounder...'
Thank God there's a ton of masturbators out there... Think of how many kittens and cats there would be if we didn't!!!
I'm still waiting for her to tell me how she knows...
HAR!!!!!!
Of course, I'm blaming this behavior on the
speech I have to give Saturday...
Whatever...
~shoes~
Hilarous--
ReplyDeleteFunny we were talking about this at the Coffeehousoe last night.
Seems my supervisor's girlfriend (Crazy bitch) got made at him as she was "nosing" around on his laptop and found some porn (Big deal right). What was he suppose to do as she "punished him by withholding sex for three weeks". I made the mistake last night of saying "May I state the obvious. U need to let her go." They get in fights started by her every month or so. But he loves her. She got mad at him for watching porn but she does it herself. Porn has saved many a relationship.
Well, that is all I will post on the blog here today.
No need to share all one's secrets.
Imagination is good.
Ur speech will be fine.
The pup is headed for surgery (kidney stones in bladder 21 stones) this morning. His lot in life. This will be his 7th surgery. U remember those kidney stones don't u. Unfortunately he can't pass them nor can they laser him. But his vet has this surgery down to a science. His brother whom passed in August had six surgeries. Mini-schnauzers are known for kidney stone issues. I'm sorry but I will miss ur speech. The pup cannot be left alone after surgery. And I was so looking forward to it. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.
Well, that is one stress reliever for u. "M"
"Burp the worm" was my favorite um---verb for this.
Hahahaha
"Stormy"Dawn and Buttons
Good morning, Stormy.
DeleteHow did the pup handle its surgery? OK??
I imagine conversations at coffee shops can span a wide range of topics... no?
~shoes~
@Miss Stormy Marples Sorry to hear about your pup. I'd been wondering what the problem could be. His seventh surgery... poor little guy.
DeleteP.S. Burp the worm? I prefer (to call it) slappin'the salami.... You may laugh now.
@Blue
DeleteI have the signs down for their kidney stones. 13 surgeries between them. And so far they have been caught in bladder based initially in moods first in the pups aka grumpiness. They feel hurt and pain too. We had a rough (ruff) three hours last night. He just could not get comfortable even with a massage. Finally, he did go back to sleep. We both just woke up 11:00 a.m. Slappin' the Salmon. Hahaha. I am a watcher if my lovers. I even request they do this a few times in front of me so I cam watch where their pleasure spots r. I have been very selective and if I told u at what age I lost my virginity u would not believe. I love sex with someone I love. Apparently loving someone takes it to a higher level of comfort and feeling.
Hilarious!!!!
ReplyDeleteGood luck on Saturday. :-)
Good morning, Max.
DeleteThanks, I'm going to need it!!
HA!!
~shoes~
I know what it sounds like :))
ReplyDeleteI like song from PINK called " just you and your hand"
LMBO @ Liz...
DeleteI'm afraid to ask how you know...
I don't know that song... I will have to look for it.
~shoes~
wow!!!!
ReplyDeleteQuite the post!!!
I love that song, its one of my favorites....
Good morning, Choleesa... I like that song as well!!
DeleteI hope all is well with you...
~shoes~
Wait a minute, you're giving a speech on masturbation? Sweet. Will there be a demonstration too???
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't think that's the topic, but I'm sure something could be arranged...
DeleteWould you want a front row seat? LMBO!!
~shoes~
*pulls up a chair for the demonstration*
ReplyDeleteLOVED this post, Shoes!
xoxo
~vk~
Good morning, Vixen...
DeleteHow are things going with/for you?
You could sit next to Lil Dreamer... :oD
~shoes~
A post about loving oneself...just in time for the holidays. You're too much! :)
ReplyDeleteGood morning...
DeleteWell, if one doesn't love him/herself, who is going to? ;oD
Merry Christmas!!!
~shoes~
I don't like kittens.
ReplyDeleteSo just masturbating will get rid of them?
I'll be in my bunk.
LMBO @ Ami...
DeleteDead Kitty Society...
~shoes~
Pound the flounder hahahahaha
ReplyDeleteThere are some good ones out there, Kurt!!
DeleteI hope all is well with you!!
~shoes~
I am starting to believe the Mayans.
ReplyDeleteI know!!!
DeleteThe only downside to the Mayan calendar is that they didn't allow for leap years... so the actual end of time should have been back in July...
Of course, we are all living on borrowed time...
~shoes~
If you can hear me I'm cracking up! Seriously, what a hilarious post & I just want to say how great that song is by The Divinyls and the one 10:59 AM mentioned by Pink.
ReplyDeleteHa! Great apology to Def Leppard.
Good luck on your speech-- You're gonna be awesome!!
Good afternoon, Princess... thank you. I'm amazed at how these inspirations come about... sometimes, it's just that simple.
DeleteOne of my son's favorite jokes is:
'What has nine arms and sucks?'
Def Leppard...
HAR!!!!
I will be ok... I'm just ready to get the talk behind me.
~shoes~
Good morning, Shoes. If memory serves, today is the big day. I know you'll do just fine. And yes, how did she know?
ReplyDeleteWomen if they r truthful with their lovers will reveal many things about what they want and need from u and also how much they very much want you to make u feel safe and secure in their arms especially in bed. Trust is my biggest character I look for in a man. Not money not looks I need to be able to trust u. I love watching the men in my life. I make them shush during love making. No talking just body sounds, moans, groans and expressions with body. When he involuntarily quivers u know he is enjoying it.
ReplyDelete