"Let's Rip That Scab Off
One More Time, Please..."
My son, BoyShoes, left boxes of his stuff at my house... I am in the process of trying to clean out, box stuff, trash stuff, etc... I'm painting, cleaning, all of that kind of stuff. Who knows, one of these days, I may want to sell this dump house.
I've several boxes going... one of things I think he wants to keep, the other, stuff that just needs to be thrown out. Anything that might have any scintilla of value is being kept, and I will let him make the decision to throw anything away.
I've found several photos... some I am pleased to find... and will make copies of them before I give him the originals... after all, they are his. This is an important lesson that I have learned from a certain sister...
And then I find this one below...
The Photo appears to be from a Christmas Past...
Lil BoyShoes is SO sweet!
The photo appears to be from a Christmas many years ago... when he was a rug rat... it has been cut and used in an applique... pasted over a piece of paper on which he wrote a poem. It didn't take long for me to realize that this was from after his Mom and I separated... and were on our way to our divorce.
I've written about all of this many times, but to make a long story short, my Dad had a stroke on Valentine's Day in 1996, and died eight days later on February 22. Then in July of that same year, his Mom sued me for divorce. There is plenty of other dirt... I've posted it... you can go find it and read it. It's still there and it isn't pretty...
Anyway, BoyShoes chose to take a photo and use it to tell me what he thought of me at that time... I honestly don't know if the name of his writing is 'Role Model' or if it is 'Alone.' I suppose either works quite well. In the event you can't enlarge the photo in order to read what he wrote, I will include it here:
Enemy, show me how it has to be
I can handle anything
Even if I can't handle you
Either way it better be
Don't you fucking pity me
who the fuck am I to criticize
your twisted state of mind
You're leaving me upset, I am leaving you suspect
Feels like a burn from which you never learn
Cause and Effect
Press your face against the glass and suffer
Someone inside me
Everyone against me
Everyone beside me
Clawing away the pieces
Scratching away the outsides
Inside the places that I hide from you
You're the only one I'd rather see
Suffer before me
Don't lie!!!!!!!
You break my heart
You run away
I don't want you to be
I don't need you anymore
ALONE
There are many lessons from this... first of all, don't ever think for a moment that our actions, no matter how they happen, don't have an effect on your kids.
He was so hurt... He was so hurt when his Mom told him about something I did... of course, she didn't tell him everything...
So it goes...
Psychologists might argue that he left it on purpose... wanting me to find it...
Maybe...
My Mother once shared something with me... about something my Dad did... that caused me to feel exactly the same way about him. I didn't resolve things with my Dad until after he had his stroke sixteen years ago... it was during the eight days that it took him to die that I sat beside him one evening and apologized for how I had treated him. I hope he heard me...
So it makes great sense in the over all scheme of things... for me to apologize to my Dad my how I had treated him... and then have that Higher Power have me suffer the same consequence... just so maybe I could know... so I WOULD know... maybe how my actions affected my Dad...
Dad...
I am still so sorry for treating you the way I did....
I don't know and couldn't know the entire story...
I shouldn't have treated you the way I did...
Chris...
I can't imagine the pain or the heartache
that all of that must have caused you...
at the time that you wrote this,
you couldn't have known that I would stay near you...
close to you... and always be there for you.
Even to this day, you know I am just a phone call away.
You know I would be there for you as quickly as I could...
I know this because you have expressed this to me...
I love both of you so... I am so sorry for the hurt I caused either of you... It is so appropriate that I find this reminder at this time of the year...
*sighs*
~shoes~
(((hugs)) Really big hugs... we all just do the best we can. Your love for your kids is obvious in the way you write about them.
ReplyDeleteWith that in your heart and so clear to everyone, you are allowed mistakes, missteps and human foibles. None of us are perfect, you know.
Hi, Ami...we all do the best we can, I think... I hope...
DeleteI hope all as well with you...
~shoes~
my heart hurts for you, with you.
ReplyDeletewhen we are parents, we do the best we can. some choices we get to make, some we don't. the life events that happen - that we have no control over - we then try to do our best, be our best for our children - just to pull out of the mire that we find ourselves drowning in. sometimes we make huge mistakes, sometimes we get things right.
divorce is ugly for all involved. and the wounds continue to throb and bleed years and years later - through little things - and big things... we question the moves we made, the choices we made - what different choices we could have made... we suffer the regret, the hurt, the loneliness - but our soul still lives, and our hearts still beat... just with a slightly more battered thump.
i know you. i know you did, and are continuing to do, the best that you could and can. i know that you are a wonderful father, a wonderful man.
both of your children know this. your son knows this. the things that we think and feel and write at 18 change and alter as our soul grows: we understand more, we love more (and deeper), we live more... and we learn about life. constantly.
and we also learn to forgive ourselves. as ami said...
none of us are perfect...
all of my love.
robelyn
Hey, Gobbles... Life is indeed a journey. If we are aware.. pay attention to things, we even learn some stuff along the way.
DeleteI guess what is important is that I have tried to do the rights things... haven't always been successful, you know...
I do tend to take my short comings very seriously, you know...
*huggles*
~shoes~
This post is beautiful and deep. As a relatively new Dad - our daughter is not quite two years old - I see every day how my behavior affects my child. It could be something as simple as the things I say; although she is capable of making her own thoughts, our daughter is a complete mimic. I have to watch my temper, as well. I tend not to get overtly angry all the time, but I am especially conscious of what I let her see or hear. I don't know what the future will look like for her; Jill and I hope that her life will be full of love and happiness, and we are doing our best to ensure that this is so.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this profoundly personal glimpse into your life.
-Jack
Hi, Jack...
DeleteIm my marriage, I think I was the 'stable' one... the then~wife was the 'yeller/screamer'...and that took its toll on both of the kids... I think BoyShoes weathered it better than GirlSchools... I guess all in all, we are all fucked up in some form or fashion...
Thank you for your kind words...
~shoes~
I have not gone back to find your story about divorce and such. I don't need to. You are sorry for things regarding your dad and your son. God has forgiven you and now you must believe and know that you are forgiven.
ReplyDeletePeace & love.
Hi there, Middle Child... The beginning of the end began on Valentine's Day, '96 when my Dad had a stroke. He died 16 years ago today (02/22/96)... divorce action was filed in July of that year... just a rapid unraveling of my Life...
DeleteAs my counselor pointed out to me many times 'you seem to willing to forgive everyone but yourself...'
I have no explanation for that...
Thank you so for your comforting words...
~shoes~
My BFF is a tiny, scrawny wee little scrap of a thing... all ribs, collarbones and curls... no boobs.
ReplyDeleteShe's going through a really rough time at the moment, so I text her most evenings to remind her that I love her.
A couple of nights ago I sent her a text saying "Big hugs! xxx" and my autocorrect changed it to "Big jugs! xxx". It was the first time she smiled in a week.
Big jugs to you, Red xxx
Hi there, Misfits...
DeleteFor you to comfort and assure your BFF, you are indeed a true friend!
Big Jugs... ;o)
~shoes~
Shoes, I send you every possible hug, kiss, and sympathetic cuddle. I've been through stuff like this too. My younger daughter is complicated and appears at times to be unforgiving about certain things. I can't say more, but Boy Shoes poem is very evocative.
ReplyDeleteKisses xxxxxxxxx
Hi there, Leah... yeah, it was gut wrenching to find, read, and then discover his angst as he expressed himself...
DeletePoor guy...
~shoes~
Wow, shoes. I'm not even sure what else I can say about it. Hitting me hard for some reason. And excellent song choice. Quite appropriate.
ReplyDeleteHi, Joshua... thank you for your thoughtful response. Yeah, that is the right song for that post.
Delete~shoes~
Wow, that's a strong piece of writing. Truth be told, it's not surprising that a child will be angry at one or both divorcing parents. And then they'll try to reject you before you reject them, in case you were going to. The very nice thing is that he doesn't still feel that way.
ReplyDeleteHi, Blissed... yes, I know. I am one of those guys/fathers that would never have rejected my kids. As I've written before, being a Father is the best thing that's ever happened to me...
Delete~shoes~
Shoes this made me cry as I know I have hurt my son without meaning to. But I always tell him that if he can survive myslef and his father than he can make it through anything. U may not feel like this but these test in time helped him to be strong. Pain sometimes makes us grow way farther than we think we can bare. But I always tell him God will never put him through anything that he can't handle. Not to say that is pain is not valid or that he deserved to feel that way. We all make mistakes that is what makes us human and yes there are always 2 sides of the story and she should have never expected him to take on adult problems...what ever you did it's just not right. The beauty about true love is that it never fails us and just like you said he couldn't have known that you would not be there for him. When my son feels like he has failed us at Basketball I tell him...You are from strong people I am like a Spartan mother (300 movie) and Spartans come home with their sheilds or on them. This speach I give him on a regular basis and although he doesn't always show it I know he appriciates the fact that his mother will never judge him, will never leave him out in the cold and will fail him at times but will try her best to be the best Spartan Mother I can be. Lead him to vitory or failure he will survive with his head high and know that he is alive..live the true athentic man he can be...Loves and hugs
ReplyDeleteHey you... I think we all have experiences like these in our Lifetimes... so when we reaed someone else's lament, we can so relate to the hurt and pain w feel.
DeleteI love your comment, especially as to how it pertains to your son. We each seem to love our kids unconditionally. Like you said, we learn as much, if not more, from the failures we experience in our lifetimes.
It's so good t see you posting and around. :o)
~shoes~
While I feel pain in reading this I also feel a lot of love from you. Divorce is hard, breaking up is hard and it does affect those we love but it's all part of the life cycle I think. These things make us all stronger. You're a good guy I think!!!!
ReplyDeleteHi, Barb... thank you for your gracious words. There was great pain at the time I wrote it. I hope I'm a good guy... I try.
DeleteAt times, I fear I am too 'soft'... too easy.
~shoes~
We can't pick our families, eh?
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you, Shoes. You are such an amazing man. Surely, BoyShoes knows how lucky he is to have you as a father.
Hi, Jessica,,, youare right, but we can pick our noses... No?
ReplyDeleteMe? Amazing?? I don't know about that, but I do try to be a nice guy. Re: BoyShoes, I am lucky to have him as my Son...
Thank you for your kinnd words...
~shoes~
I think they both knew, no matter what, you love/loved them. And regardless of the hurt, they love/loved you. It's in the blood.
ReplyDeleteHey Nightbyrd... I hope so... I have no idea why I obsess on things like this. My family is important to me...
ReplyDelete~shoes~
Life lessons, we learn, we grow, we move on...its all okay at some point.
ReplyDeleteHi there, Kimberly.. yeah, at some point, I think we figure it all out... no?
Delete~shoes~
Nice post. :)
ReplyDeleteThekittycat1969@gmail.com
Hi there, KittyCat... long time, no see... how are you?
ReplyDelete~shoes~
I read this post a few days ago but just had trouble commenting because I didn't quite know what to say. I can feel your pain in your words and those letters you wrote, I hope they were somewhat healing in a way for you.
ReplyDeleteYes, Princess... I've been that way... one reads... yet is at a loss for words to leave... I hope you enjoy your weekend.
Delete~shoes~
Family have real strong bonds with each other. They're the one group of people that you don't need to say how much you love them because deep down they already know.
ReplyDeleteDivorce is pretty tough on kids. I remember it being tough when my parents split, but sometimes when you look back you think "that was for the best".
Hey you... yeah, I think that TODAY, the kids both think I am a happier person...
DeleteFinding that photo was an indication of how difficult it all was for him...
~shoes~
Sometimes we never realize the feelings others have toward us and they sometimes don't realize we never intended for them to perceive our words or actions as hurtful.
ReplyDeleteGlad you resolved your discovery and made peace with your father.
I got here from Annie's quiet commotion --- she used to babysit my boys!
take care