Transitions, Revisited...
What a week this has been...
I so appreciate everyone's comments...
I am reminded by the lyrics of a song by The Byrds...
A time to be born, and a time to die...
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance...
These verses come somewhat from the Book of Ecclesiastes... and I guess provide a great deal of comfort... I guess that is what I was referring to in my previous post about it just being 'our time' to go...
I am tired... I am so tired...
Wednesday night a week ago, I was convinced my sister was going to die that night. I took her home and put her in bed when we returned from the doctor's office... and to watch her curl into the fetal position was just heart breaking to me. Here is a woman who once had great business sense and acumen (never mind the fucking over she gave us 15 or so years ago) and wasn't afraid to take on or tackle anything. Now she asks me what she should have for dinner... It breaks my heart to see this happening to her.
Last Thursday was a bad day for her. Her doctor wanted her to go into the hospital Wednesday afternoon, but she refused to... she called me at 6:00 AM Friday morning wanting me to come and get her and take her to the hospital... I did. When I presented the lady with her paperwork, the receptionist looked at me and said, 'She was supposed to be here yesterday...' *sighs* My sister is still very hard headed.
To write about and explain everything that has transpired since Friday is just not feasible... there isn't enough room, and it wouldn't be that interesting to read.
I hope she realizes that my actions and my love for her are forms of forgiveness... I learned lessons from having watched my Mom and Dad die... about what to do... what to say... when people are in this stage of their Lives.
I've learned something that has caused me to do a great deal of soul searching... and to not share that information with my family members... it's not exactly 'lying' as much as it's protecting them from things that they just don't need to know. How do you like that for a cryptic statement?
Monday was a big shock for us here in the College of Business... we learned that a long-time colleague tried to end his Life... bless his heart. I don't know if he will be back...
Tuesday, I asked another colleague how her day was going, only to learn that her husband had just moved out on her, leaving her with three children... one of them only a year old...
There must be something in the water around here... everyone's world seems to be in turmoil. As for me, I just slow my Life down when my world is in chaos... it seems to help me make better decisions...
I'm so tired...
~shoes~
oh, there aren't words. thinking of you and sending strength.
ReplyDeleteGod bless, and best wishes. I hope you can find rest and peace.
ReplyDeleteSo many things going on for you. I hope that they improve for you and everyone in your vicinity.
ReplyDeleteI sure hope it's not the water!!
I just read the first transitions post. You didn't say what was wrong with your sister but it sounds bad. Sometimes people refuse treatment if the cure is terrible. My father would never have taken chemo or radiation (no matter when they found his cancer). So it really is just as well that they found it at stage 4 when Medicare was HAPPY to pay for Hospice and Dad was happy to take it. Otherwise, it would have been terrible. Medicine would have pushed for chemo/radiation and might have refused to pay for the Hospice when he got really sick at the end. So, I think that sometimes things work out as they are meant. The fact that it is ALWAYS hard on the people left behind... well, that is a whole different ball of wax. I just wrote a post about a week ago that you might enjoy and I am planning to write something shortly that might speak a little bit to what you are going through. I am still going through it too. As you said, you never really get over it. Honestly, I don't know how the older people stand it. They watch everyone die. Maybe they find grace in their somewhere. Or as they get older they know it will be their turn soon. Not sure. But, there will be a reunion one day.
ReplyDeleteHi Red, I'm sorry your sister is having such a rough time and hope she is okay being in the hospital. It is so weird how when you're having a difficult time and other people seem to keep getting hurt also. Being sick is hard but watching someone you love being sick is even harder.
ReplyDeleteHoping for the best for you in your difficult time right now.
Hiya Red,
ReplyDeleteI suspect that you loathe platitudes as much as I do, so I won't give you any. But I will send you my warmest, most genuine and kind regards and thoughts, and hope that you and the people around you find some peace.
Sarah xxx
Life times seems to be unkind and hurtful. I have found that during these sad and hard times my heart gets stretched from sorrow but it does bring about a change in my life. I become more concerned about those I love and forgiving too.
ReplyDeleteU are a good man whom has been through some sad and trying times according to ur past blogs. I will certainly have u and ur sister in my thoughts. This may not be ur type of music but it certainly brought me comfort during my rough times. I listened to it a lot to remind myself how much God loves us all. Mandisa's Broken Hallelujah.
Take care as best u can. I can speak for myself but see by the many comments that there are friends and acquaintances that care what u are feeling.
StormyDawn
Shoes - like someone else mentioned in an earlier comment to you, I won't give you platitudes. Instinctively however, I knew something was wrong because you've been so quiet.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you though (a lot).
xxxxxxxxxx
I remember being tired too- tired of the emotional and physical pain my body and mind was being attacked with. You just gotta hang in there, Shoes. Sending you strength.....
ReplyDeleteI really like the title to this post: Transitions. It's something that did occur to me after my mom passed away but at the time I just didn't know it. I totally love the song choice- lovely lyrics and very peaceful sounding the way the group sings it.
This was given to me a couple of years ago:
ReplyDelete"I don't understand.
And I look up and around me
as if my surroundings would tell me the answers.
The wind whisper it in my ear.
The stars twinkle it in morse code.
I catch myself and think how silly I am to think I could find any answers.
Any reasons for what happens in this life...
so I keep embracing life just to see what happens next."
All my love and happy, supportive thoughts...
xoxoxo
gobbles
p.s. That song is one of the greats...
;-D
@ Magnolia, Max, Ami... thank you so much for your kind words... they really do mean a lot.
ReplyDelete@ Robin... Well... it's a long story as to what's wrong with her. She was being treated for pneumonia... there is something else, but it shouldn't be a factor... if you know what I mean. I have re-read your comment several times and get something new and different from it each time... thank you for your words.
@ Hi, Linda... Thank you. I just hate seeing her feel so badly... oddly enough, what I am feeling isn't so much about what is effecting me, other than being so tired, but about what she must be experiencing... and what my colleague must have been feeling that would drive him to try to do what he did.
How are you coming along with the book?
@ Sarah... Thank you... you are correct, it's not about me or what I am doing... it's about her. She DID just call me a short while ago to tell me she felt like going to the Hair Dresser to get her hair fixed... I can't tell you what a marked improvement that is for her!
@ Stormy... Thank you... I like that selection... I need to try to find it and play it. As for the support from the commenters, I have never seen anything quite like the support that bloggers provide for others, even from the other side of the planet like with Sarah up there. It is such a warm and caring community. Thank you for your kind words.
@ Leah... Hey you... thank you for your kindness. She has needed me, so, yes, I've been out of pocket...
@ Princess... thank you for your kindness. You know, a great part of the tiredness and all is that we know how it's going to eventually end. I think maybe we hope that some of what we are doing will help the person get better... but deep inside, we know the truth.
@ Gobbles... "...so I keep embracing life just to see what happens next."
I think that sums it up as good as I've ever heard it expressed... Thank you...
~shoes~
I'm late, but offer hugs. I have seen a tremendous amount of sadness in many lives as of late....just offering a kind word and a soft smile to support you.
ReplyDeleteso sorry is all I can say.....
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts and prayers....and I really do pray....just not saying that because it sounds nice. Thank you for sharing your heart, fears and struggles - it speaks to us all....lv alice
ReplyDeleteShoes, I just read what you said about how we hope we can help a person get better, even though we know how it will end. I think ambiguity is one of the hardest things to cope with. But helping someone find a little peace and serenity before they die is a very big contribution in itself. It does help the person be better, emotionally if not physically. Glad you can slow your life down; take care of yourself amid all this trauma.
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the most beautiful, authentic, lovely men ~ it would be difficult to not come to this conclusion from reading your blog and observing your kind actions ~ may you be greatly blessed and surrounded with much peace, love, and hope in the coming years, months, weeks, days, hours and minutes of your life ~ Much love and returned kindness ~ alice :>)
ReplyDeleteOh, Shoes, that's just terrible. What a time you're having right now. I've had a lot going on here, too, and it seems sometimes that bad news just seems to breed more bad news. I hope you are able to find peace in all of this, get some SLEEP, and know that this, too, shall pass! God bless, my friend!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that life is going this way for you. It definitely will make you tired. Sending you some positive thoughts and energy and love.
ReplyDeleteLife, huh? Good times, bad times, terrible times, fabulous times, we just have to get through it. Never fails, there always seems to be more terrible times than good times but maybe that's just how we look at life now. Always half empty, not half full. Hmmmm...
ReplyDelete@ Chloe... Thank you. What will be, will be, but comments like yours really help...
ReplyDelete@ 100 Thoughts... Sometimes, that's enough... Thank you.
@ Alice... Thank you for the wonderfully kind comments. Just be sure to let me know where to send the check. ;o) All in all, things are ok... and things will be ok. I have discovered great peace and calmness, although sometimes things like this do rattle the bars to my cage.
@ Anything Fits... Hey you... I would love to know how you are doing... Things are going to be ok... I am going to be ok...
@ Nitebyrd... it's all ok. It's the worry that is kicking my butt... :oD In the long run, everything will be ok. Thank you for your kindness...
@ Jen... You are right. Life is good... always... most definitely always... Btw, I LOVE your blog!!!
~shoes~
@ Blissed Out... I agree... we do what we do thinking that it will make a difference. I guess if we look at it from longevity, we would realize that it doesn't, but maybe from the perspective of moment-by-moment for the person we are trying to help, we would see that it does matter. As you say, these moments are Life lessons. Thank you so...
ReplyDelete~shoes~
"my actions and my love for her are forms of forgiveness"
ReplyDeleteIndeed they are. These things are the soft down filling in the comforter she lays on. And I think again...who comforts Shoes? *sigh*
I am just catching up and reading this. I am so sorry... warm thoughts going your way.
ReplyDeleteWow...I have no words. :(
ReplyDeleteWow Shoesies, my heart is breaking for you ! I am so sorry to read about your sister.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there must be something in the air, as I got mugged in broad daylight in a nice shopping center, not to mention the other drama.
Be well Shoesies !
We hope things pick up for you. And your hard-headed sister. We're both pulling for you, Shoes.
ReplyDelete