Transitions...
... defined as a process or the period of changing from one state or condition to another.
When my Dad died... and just a handful of months later, filed for divorce, my Life underwent a host of changes. As my level of 'normalcy' as I knew it underwent great changes, I sought out the services of a counselor... someone who could possibly help me organize things back into some semblance of an existence with which I might could exist...
This counselor told me that considering what all I had experienced at that time, I was doing rather well... and that I had experienced four transitions in such a short time.
I asked her what a transition was, and she told me it was a change in one's Life that was so drastic... so significant... that one's Life would never be the same.
Yep... losing your last parent, and becoming an orphan (albeit I was an adult, it's still a shock to the system)... and then to follow that up with a rift in the family that would forever cause some kind of separation between the two sets of children that our parents had... and then the divorce... and then on-going behavior problems with my daughter...
Life had indeed changed...
... and it's changing again. I am facing a new transition...
When one is young, you don't expect your parents to die... you just don't... Mom and Dad and you and your pets and everything are going to live forever and ever and ever...
... but they don't.
My Mom was the first significant loss of Life to me. I loved this woman... I adored this woman... I never wanted to hurt her feelings or make her upset with me... And she died...
I had issues with my Dad... I've posted about them and they are back there somewhere if you care to look and read... but after he had his stroke, I felt I needed to reach some sort of understanding with him... and I did. My greatest regret is that I didn't do that sooner.
At times, I can't even begin to comprehend how long Mom and Dad have been gone. All of the Christmases, and birthdays, and special events all seem like distant memories... and I guess they should seem this way... that's what they are now.
Well... one doesn't expect a brother or a sister to die... but they do. We think... expect... that they, and we, will live forever... but they and we don't.
I've stated before that Mom and Dad had two litters of kids, so to speak... I'm the middle child of the second litter. There's a great age difference between the litters.
I've written about my oldest sister... and not in very nice terms, but I suppose part of that has been my trying to work out the angst that I have with her. In years past, she has really fucked us (2nd litter) over... significantly too.
But I've worked past all of that... I forgave her. I haven't forgotten what she did, but I had to let some things go... we just have to from time to time.
I've become the guy who takes her to dinner several nights a week... goes and checks on her when she doesn't answer the phone, and have just been much of a trouble shooter for her.
I've become the family member who takes her up and down the highways to her doctor appointments.
... and in recent months, I've seen a great decline in her... physically and emotionally. She's always been a strong person; I can't ever recall seeing her 'broken'... but that's how I describe her now. She has no energy... she sits with her head in her hands.
...she tells me that she is scared...
... and she doesn't have to tell me why she is scared. She sees it coming... as do I... as do my litter mates brothers.
I've been to the doctor with her every day this week... he told her yesterday that she needs to go into the hospital for treatment... and she has said, "no..."
Maybe she knows the 'Time' is here... without going into the hospital, it could be here really soon... My brothers and I are making efforts to get our other sister here... she needs to be here.
This has gotten longer than I meant for it to be...
All I really wanted to write about was how the guard always seems to change... our grandparents die... our parents die...
... and then your siblings. It's our turn, I suppose.
I am dreading the weeks ahead...
~shoes~
Sending you strength.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
A place for everything and everythin in its place...you're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteProfessor Red Shoes--
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that u have to experience this too. I understand because I am experiencing similar things too. It is very hard to have to go through these feelings. It is depressing to say the least.
One never knows what another is going through unless they share what they are really feeling. Thanks for being one that does tell how he really feels.
Sending u positive thoughts and prayers. And I am serious about these things.
U will find a way to deal with this latest transition in ur life. U have friends/acquaintances that care what u are going through. My believe if prayer and friends get u through what seems like the impossible.
Pull the boot straps up and just hang on.
Sorry my comments are so long.
StormyDawn
Oh the photos are nice too. I like them.
ReplyDeleteStormyDawn
The fact that you've forgiven her and have become a good part in her life should give you some comfort. I'm sure it's given her quite a bit.
ReplyDeleteBecause you know that her passing will be fact, this transistion will be smaller, I think. Probably seeing her in a weakened state is worse for both of you.
Sending you some good thoughts.
Some people are just not cut out to be in hospitals or nursing homes. I know you will try your hardest to help her, whatever her decision. It often doesn't seem to matter how close we are, death and the prospect of imminent death manage to deal us quite a blow. I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a brave person and one who thinks for herself to not go into the hospital.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry she is so ill Shoes. The loss of our parents makes us recognize our own mortality but I would think a sibling would do so even more. I would think this could be a rough transition for you all, and wish you strength and love.
I know all about those forms of loss. I learned about it at age 7 when my youngest brother passed at age 2. The greatest loss is the loss of a child. I pray neither of us ever experience that.
ReplyDeleteI always feared death until I had lost my father and then my husband. I read books, went to seminars and found my spirituality. I believe we just cross over into a peaceful and beautiful place that reunites us with our loved ones and allows us to continue our journey of learning lessons. This is my opinion but I was given a 'glimpse' into that place and it was the most beautiful and serene place I've ever seen. Someday I might write about it. I'm sorry your sister is failing. I lost my oldest brother last year after years of not speaking. My mother is 86 now and it was hard for her to lose a child. She is a "religious" person and she fears death. Yet she tells me my beliefs are ridiculous. The best thing I can say to you and anyone else...enjoy every day. It can be gone in a flash. I have no regrets. Maybe your sister is seeing her past errors? It's nice that you are there for her.
ReplyDeletethoughts and love to you and yours. what a thing to go through. sending any spare strength...
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this entry. One of the good things about blogging is it can provide an outlet to vent/express your feelings in a healthy way. I hope you writing this post helped in some way.
ReplyDeleteMy mom was the first big loss of life for me too. Losing a parent does indeed bring a drastic change to your life. I can't help but think how different my life would probably be if my mom was still alive.
I'm truly sorry about your sister. I've been where you are looking after a loved one who is sick and it's not easy. The toll it takes on an emotional and physcial level is unlike no other but somehow we make it through and I know you will too. I hope you know what a loving and caring brother you are.
P.S. RE: "Becoming an orphan (albeit I was an adult, it's still a shock to the system)"
-There are some days when I feel that way too.
From one orphan to another, family loss and dysfunction are too great to conquer. Hold a space for each sibling. I can totally relate to this.
ReplyDeleteI think you are a wonderful man to help your sister so much.
ReplyDeleteMy Grandparent's taught me about "the changing of the guard"... transition. Change. They used pine trees as their examples. When I see a pine tree it never fails that I reflect on "transition"... be it family, friends, work... my child. The death and life of my loved ones.
I'm holding you close in my thoughts and sending you all of my love.
xoxoxo
robelyn
I'm sorry Shoes. It's never easy. So hard to watch people disintegrate. We do it every day, but towards the end it seems like someone has gunned the engine and the process races forward while we are ill prepared for it (even knowing it's certainty), we are always ill prepared for it. I know this feeling. I have written on it and was going to re-post at some point while Matt was dying and then forgot. My prayers are with you and your family Professor!
ReplyDelete"ONE WITH IT -
Can you train for loss? Can you premeditate grief and increase your endurance for the stages ahead? Can you beat battered wings against an oscillating wind in preparation of a journey requiring super human strength? If there were push ups, emotional calisthenics, soul sprints...I would do them. But can we ever really prepare for something that is not yet here? Can we really know the enormity of a moment and the tools required for passage? Can we ever really be strong enough, stock piled, for the time when a heart breaks in half, and the internal river of our mourning runs out in the open...exposed, naked? No, but God does.
Where grief or loss is concerned, I am always slammed by the depth of my own emotions at the time of impact. I am flattened in ways I never imagined...thin as tissue, transparent, blown about by the whiff of a casserole and crumpled by the consolations of a friend. I can see the train coming....from a distance, first just a pin point of light but growing, Growing GROWING. I brace my feet against parallel tracks, try to keep my eyes open, stare fate down to a manageable size. And in the farce I become one with it, sinew and muscle, blood and bone coating the wheels of an inescapable conclusion. Loss is loss, grief is grief. There is no escape, no practice or degree of qualification. We become one with it. We take it with us on the rebound, thinking next time will be easier. Grief and Loss share a knowing look, thinking how little we know. But God knows and extends a hand."
I am very sorry you are going through this Shoes. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs,
Marnie xo
I am sorry your sister's time is coming.
ReplyDeleteStrangely I always feel like I will be the first one to go I think my parents and brothers will out last me.
Shoes, I wish I could reach out and hug you. I'm keeping your family in my thoughts. Feel free to email me if you need to. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI lost my brother a few years back to suicide...It is indeed awful to lose a sibling...it just leaves a hole there that never fills up. But you learn to walk around it; in time. Prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteI have just come across your blog and read this post. You are a remarkable person!
ReplyDeleteAll hit home a little too. Lost my dad 17 years ago, and my mum 9 years ago. It also made me think about my little sister. Think I might give her a call now. Thank you!
I will keep reading. I have a feeling I can learn a lot from you!