"An Enigma..."

An "Enigma" by definition is (2) something hard to understand or explain or (3) an inscrutable or mysterious person. (Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary)   


I think I am an enigma...


In re-reading some of my past posts about sex and relationships. there seems to be a great disconnect...  There have been periods of some great sex... yet I have written about having struggled in relationships...


In the process of trying to get my head straight... and myself realigned in Life, I've gone to a sex counselor, several physicians, and have read way too many books... well... I'm not sure one can read TOO many books about sex... you know???


The one book that I am so glad that I read was a book on 'How To Perform Oral Sex on a Woman' that was written by a lesbian... now I thought... if she doesn't know and can't share some level of expertise... NO one can...  and I do have to admit I learned a great deal from that book... and I am sure that there are some thankful women out there...


Anyway...

I posted here about a book I found in New Orleans that included a segment on 'toxic shame' and how the passages I read seem to have struck a chord with me...  and that has led me to do more reading and looking for information on that topic.


I mentioned above about having gone to doctors and counselors for help with my problem... and it's amazing how they really don't pay attention when you discuss your problems with many of them... they do seem to listen, but then it's as if they try to fit your problem into the neat square or round hole and treat it with a miracle drug...


I have come to the realization... that if I fall in love with someone, sexual issues arise... but if I don't fall in love, the sky seems to be the limit with what we enjoy and can do...


I loved my 'once-upon-a-time' wife... a lot... a great deal... and I was shopping yesterday and we passed each other in the store... and didn't acknowledge each other... it was as much my fault as it was hers... I don't feel bad about it... and I am sure she doesn't either... but in retrospect, all the years we were married... and our two children... and all we shared... and its like the 'two-ships-passing-in-the-night' analogy...


Anyhoo...


In our relationship, she made me feel that wanting/needing sex was 'dirty' for lack of a better word... and I would feel shameful for having those desires for her... The last 4 1/2 years or so of our marriage were sexless... emotionless... and I fear that  has imprinted me in some form or fashion into a behavior pattern that I associate with 'love'...


Yet, when only sexual attraction, lust, passion is involved... 

"LOOK OUT!!"

So... in my failed relationships with  X and Y...  I wonder if the problems that we had in part had to do with the fact that I had fallen in love with them...


I am confident I didn't love Dee... and we had great sex... I am confident I don't love Amanda... and the 'heat' needle on that gauge just spins like a top... and Spinning Girl... WOW!!!


I didn't feel vulnerable with Dee or Amanda or Spinning Girl... but when one falls in love with another, all kinds of issues come into play... I am of the opinion that if you are in love with another, you open yourself up... and become very vulnerable...

I dunno...

Is it too early to start drinking?? I guess some coffee liquors would be ok before noon...  The several times that I have mentioned 'drinking,' the fact is that I have only been honestly and seriously drunk once in my Life...  The pains, trials and tribulations of the following day made quite an impression on me...

~shoes~