"Keep me in your heart for a while..." - amended

Secretia has a post that you can find here about whether or not we will be missed when we are gone... I guess it depends on what ones definition of 'gone' is, but I guess I tend to think of that last trip when we cross over to the other side...


Of course I do wonder how often or if people who have been in my Life that have moved away... or gone on to other relationships ever think of me...


In the long run, maybe my son and daughter will remember me... especially at Christmas time when they hopefully will remember how much  I loved Christmas... and maybe they will think of my Mom and Dad... 


If you have read any thing I've written, you know that music is important in my Life... and as morbid as it may seem, I have gone about selecting music for my funeral/memorial service... I don't want to leave it to chance... I want say in what music is played...


Here are the ones I've chosen...


"Mississippi, You're On My Mind" - Jesse Winchester


Just because it's home... 







"Keep Me In Your Heart"  - Warren Zevon






Warren Zevon had been diagnosed with cancer... this was one of his songs on his last CD... he wanted to be remembered...


I think it would be nice to be remembered... I like to visit old cemeteries... I look at all of the headstones and wonder about what their lives must have been like... did they have great loves? Did they suffer great heart aches?? What of the great deeds or accomplishments they made??? Does anyone remember any more????




"When I Get To Where I'm Goin'"  - Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton







I first heard this song on the morning of a funeral of a colleague who had died... when I hear it, I think of him...


"What A Wonderful World"  - Louis Armstrong

Man... could ANYONE sing that better than Satchmo?!?!?!

"Some Where Over The Rainbow" - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole




I like these songs... I think that for the most part, they are very upbeat and hopeful about the future...


Does it matter that we are remembered? Maybe we like to think that it is, but in the greater scheme of things, does it matter??


I know I will never forget my Mom and Dad for as long as I live... or my best friend, Barry... and a few others...

~shoes~

"An Enigma..."

An "Enigma" by definition is (2) something hard to understand or explain or (3) an inscrutable or mysterious person. (Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary)   


I think I am an enigma...


In re-reading some of my past posts about sex and relationships. there seems to be a great disconnect...  There have been periods of some great sex... yet I have written about having struggled in relationships...


In the process of trying to get my head straight... and myself realigned in Life, I've gone to a sex counselor, several physicians, and have read way too many books... well... I'm not sure one can read TOO many books about sex... you know???


The one book that I am so glad that I read was a book on 'How To Perform Oral Sex on a Woman' that was written by a lesbian... now I thought... if she doesn't know and can't share some level of expertise... NO one can...  and I do have to admit I learned a great deal from that book... and I am sure that there are some thankful women out there...


Anyway...

I posted here about a book I found in New Orleans that included a segment on 'toxic shame' and how the passages I read seem to have struck a chord with me...  and that has led me to do more reading and looking for information on that topic.


I mentioned above about having gone to doctors and counselors for help with my problem... and it's amazing how they really don't pay attention when you discuss your problems with many of them... they do seem to listen, but then it's as if they try to fit your problem into the neat square or round hole and treat it with a miracle drug...


I have come to the realization... that if I fall in love with someone, sexual issues arise... but if I don't fall in love, the sky seems to be the limit with what we enjoy and can do...


I loved my 'once-upon-a-time' wife... a lot... a great deal... and I was shopping yesterday and we passed each other in the store... and didn't acknowledge each other... it was as much my fault as it was hers... I don't feel bad about it... and I am sure she doesn't either... but in retrospect, all the years we were married... and our two children... and all we shared... and its like the 'two-ships-passing-in-the-night' analogy...


Anyhoo...


In our relationship, she made me feel that wanting/needing sex was 'dirty' for lack of a better word... and I would feel shameful for having those desires for her... The last 4 1/2 years or so of our marriage were sexless... emotionless... and I fear that  has imprinted me in some form or fashion into a behavior pattern that I associate with 'love'...


Yet, when only sexual attraction, lust, passion is involved... 

"LOOK OUT!!"

So... in my failed relationships with  X and Y...  I wonder if the problems that we had in part had to do with the fact that I had fallen in love with them...


I am confident I didn't love Dee... and we had great sex... I am confident I don't love Amanda... and the 'heat' needle on that gauge just spins like a top... and Spinning Girl... WOW!!!


I didn't feel vulnerable with Dee or Amanda or Spinning Girl... but when one falls in love with another, all kinds of issues come into play... I am of the opinion that if you are in love with another, you open yourself up... and become very vulnerable...

I dunno...

Is it too early to start drinking?? I guess some coffee liquors would be ok before noon...  The several times that I have mentioned 'drinking,' the fact is that I have only been honestly and seriously drunk once in my Life...  The pains, trials and tribulations of the following day made quite an impression on me...

~shoes~

"Pretty Woman - Friday Music and Musings"

Roy Orbison... what more can be said about this man, his voice and his music...???

This is a live performance from the production, "Black and White..."  Look at who is performing with Roy... Tom Waits on piano... Bruce Springsteen and James Burton on Fender Telecasters... Jerry Scheff on bass guitar... Elvis Costello... back up singers include Bonnie Raitt, K. D. Lang, and Jennifer Warnes... there's Jackson Browne... What a line-up!!!

And speaking of pretty women... these coeds... unbelievable some of the sweaters that they are able to fit themselves into...

I recall this young lady that came into my office a few years ago... she was wearing this loose-cable-knit sweater... and I'm not totally sure how I noticed... but her nipples were visible through the loose knit... sure made it difficult to concentrate...

Or when T-shirt time gets here... and they are bra-less... and they (the coeds) get the least bit chilled... those puppies just seem to pop right on out...

A musical collaboration that Roy Orbison found himself entrenched in was 'The Traveling Wilburys'... which was comprised of Tom Petty, Roy Orbison, George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Jim Keltner... they recorded some fantastic music...

This song is often thought of as being  'Traveling Wilbury' song, but it's not... in the video is Tom Petty, Ringo Starr, George Harrison, Jeff Lynne, Bob Dylan, and Mike Campbell...

I just  came back from lunch... the secretary tells me that according to weather radar its raining outside... my umbrella was soaking wet... Thank God for technology...

It's cold here, but its not freezing... just a bit to the north, its freezing rain, sleet and snow... I would take several orders of the snow... hold the freezing rain and sleet however... and if its going to snow me in... I can think of some bed company that would be nice... 

~shoes~

"Dee - Part II"

"I smell sex and candy... yeah..."





I like the way sex smells...  it does have its own aroma...  the sweat of both people... his cum... her wetness...  the juices of the couple involved co-mingled... smells so delicious...


I wrote about 'Dee' the other day...  totally unfucking believable... 

She was the most uninhibited woman I have ever EVER been with...  anything seemed to be fair-game with her... sexually, she was the total opposite of my ex wife... she was open to anything... everything...


I can't write about the greatest sex we ever had... because most of it was great...whether it was the day that the remnants of Hurricane Rita came through the MS Delta and it rained all day... and ever never got out of bed... and had sex the entire day... or the time that I blind-folded her... took her outside and tied her to these old laundry line frames... that were in her back yard from years ago... and totally dominated her... (but somehow I think she did the dominating... really)


'"who's that lounging in my... chair... yeah..."


The time that I will write about was the night we drove to Memphis... for dinner and drinks... since I was driving, I didn't drink a great deal...  I don't recall where we went for dinner... but I most certainly recall the drive back home... because she teased me most of the way...


She reached across... unzipped my jeans... pulled me out... and started on the series of blow jobs that, off-and-on, lasted until we pulled into her drive way...


When we arrived home, I went around to her door... opened it... and she looked at me and asked me to take her inside and fuck her senseless.. (her words)...


My pump had been primed for way too long... I looked at her and asked her why it was necessary to wait until we got inside...


I pulled her out of my SUV... placed my hands on her hips... at the base of her sweater... and in one swift move, skinned her of it... the next thing she knew she was standing in her jeans and bra... the bra came off next... and then the jeans... and I pulled her around to the front of the SUV... leaned her against the quarter panel... entered her from the rear.... and fucked her lights out...

All in all, it probably wasnt the smartest thing... but it was definitely hot... her daughters were due home later... and although her drive way was somewhat covered by trees... you could still see into her drive way from the street... if one was to decide to look that way...


Dee was an animal (probably still is)... she loved to have her hair pulled while being rammed... loved to be bitten... spanked... and we did all of it... right there in her drive way... when we finished... I told her that she was going to have to go into her house nude... that I wasn't going to let her put he clothes back on...





Once inside, I let her get dressed... since her daughters were coming by the house... they were spending that weekend with their Dad... but they did need to come and get a few things from their Mom's house...


We couldnt wait for them to leave... we started right back up where we left off...





Why don't we do it in the road...???
No one will be watching us...
Why don't we do it in the road...???

~shoes~

"The Diary..."

Barefoot Dreamer has an interesting post here about being or not being in the mood for sex...


... and it made me think of an email I received the other day... and I guess it was about perceptions... and I am posting it in response to her post...  It concerns a woman's thoughts about where her husband is emotionally... and him and where he is emotionally...


 HER DIARY


Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends  all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit  late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. 
He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know  why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


  HIS DIARY

My Corvette wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.




The photo below has nothing to do with the post... and for New Orleans standards, is quite tame... yet... at the same time, I would have LOVED to have been sitting next to her when the Saints Scored... and she threw BOTH arms up in the air... I'm thinking that something would have had to give...

Damn... I am such a push over for Australian Cleavage...

~shoes~

"Monday Night Shiznits..."

Damn... I'm either coming down with something... or I simply have had way too much to drink...  First I started liking this with Coca Cola... and then with Sprite... dayum this is good... 


I will re-read this later when maybe Im not quite so much under the influence just to make sure that it still makes sense... so far I am able to catch the misspellings...




I am in a strange mood and really don't know why... other than maybe its alcohol induced... I'm guessing that could be a good reason...

I've been a fan of Tom Petty for a long time... hmmm... Tom is the musician... right??? He's not the race car driver... no?? Yeah... thats right... thats Kyle Petty... and Im fairly confident that Kyle doesnt sing and play the guitar...  Hmmm... I wonder if Kyle Petty plays 'Kyle' on South Park... I dunno...


One of the reasons that Tom Petty has always had the unique sound that he has on his recordings is that he and Mike Campbell tend to play Rickenbacker guitars quite a bit... especially 12-string models... I asked Santa for a 12-string Rickenbacker... and he let me down... maybe next year... no?

This is one of my all time favorite Tom Petty songs... not only is the song good, but the video is awesome... for no other reason than Kim Basinger is in it...


Damn she is hot...  and that is really a strange video in that it seems that necrophilia seems to be the primary topic here...  It is a sexy video in a very taboo way...




Tom Petty has this "unheard of" guitarist by the name of Mike Campbell... he is phenomenal... I think that its a great deal of his work that gives Petty's music that edge...  


This is another one of my favorite videos... it features Tom Petty on lead vocals... Jeff Lynn (ELO)... and notice that 'kid' to Petty's left that looks a great deal like George Harrison... that's Dhani Harrison... George's son...  and that kickass outro solo is Prince...





Petty and George Harrison became friends when 'The Traveling Wilburys' formed...


I was going to complete on of those TMI thingies tonight... but I guess I got somewhat inhibited... maybe another time when I've either not had so much to drink... or I've had more to drink...

I think this is a funny cartoon... kinda like an attempt at The Mile High Club gone amok...


I'd better go to bed...

~shoes~

"A Student..."

When I got to work yesterday morning, my division secretary handed me an envelop... it was addressed to me... and she told me that a young lady had come by to see me... 


The young lady had been in several of my classes last semester... I noticed in early November that she had consecutive absences, but really thought nothing of it...


I got an email one morning  last Fall where she said...


I will not be in class today.  I found out that my dad is having open heart surgery and I am just a total wreck.  I am not able to go home to Arizona to be with the family so its really hard.  I have already had a hard time dealing with my depression and now this.  Can you please email me the homework assignment if there is one.  Thank you so much.


I like to think that I am a sensitive person... so I replied to her email by asking her to come and see me as soon as possible... And she did... later that afternoon...


She came to Alluvial Flood Plain State University from Arizona because her sister was here... sister has since graduated and gone back to AZ... so she's basically alone... and then the issues with Dad's open heart surgery and all just overwhelmed her...


She told me that she wanted to go home, but Mom "wouldn't let her"... said that the family just didn't have the money for her to purchase a plane ticket...  and I think the young lady felt she was being an imposition on her family... when all she really wanted was to go home and be with them at this time...  


Given the success rates of by-pass surgery, the fact is that people still die during them... and I think she was fearful she would never see her Dad again...


I asked her to talk to her Mom... and if it was OK for her to come home... that I would buy her a ticket... would take her to Memphis and get her on the plane myself...


I've been depressed... and have wanted to be with loved ones... so I think I felt her anxiety...


The next day, she came to see me... said she had a great talk with Mom and Dad... and that she was OK now... that she wouldn't need to go home after all... so some how she found some peace in the conversation with Mom and Dad.  I think more than anything, there was good communication with the parents and this young lady...


Anyhoo...


Here's what she wrote in the card...


Mr. Shoes... I want to thank you so much for your help.  I really appreciate your listening and talking with me.  You made me feel a lot better about my Dad and the depression.  I don't think you realize how much that meant to me.  It is always nice to have that support that you gave me.  My Dad is doing really well.  He is just a little different than he used to be... I guess it was such a serious incident.


Thanks again!


Bless her heart... I really didn't do anything but care... I really didn't do anything but listen...  We see these 18... 19 yos and think them to be adults... but they are still 'children' with desires and needs to be with parents at such a difficult time....


Studies indicate that when we are in trouble, we really don't need anyone to help us... we need someone to listen... and some of the blogs I read fall into those categories... Hell.. some of the stuff I've written about my divorce and failed relationships fall into those areas...


So... the next time you believe someone needs some help... just stop and listen... ask a few questions... more often than not, they will find their own answers...

~shoes~

"Dee" - Part I

I got an email this afternoon from a woman I used to see... I will call her "Dee"... for the most obvious reason...

"Dee" didn't like to make love...


She liked to fuck...


She didn't like to have sex...


She liked to fuck...


She may have been the closest thing to a nymphomaniac I've ever been involved with...


But I shouldn't have been that surprised... we were both Scorpios... have you ever looked at compatibility tables for the different horoscope signs?? 

Scorpio v. Scorpio is one of the most volatile combinations that there is... something like of like the sexual ritual of black widow spiders... where after copulation, the female eats the male... personally, I like it before... or maybe even during... but I doubt seriously I would object to being eaten afterwards...  But I digress...


"Dee" also like to drink... excessively... I wonder if one can be an excessive drunk?? I mean.. getting drunk is excessive consumption of alcohol... to the point where it alters ones behavior...

I remember this one time I had to take a group students to an industry conference... it was an opportunity for them to get out and meet potential employers... 'Dee' lived about  1 1/2 hours from where I live... we had plans for me to come back to Alluvial Flood Plains State University... drop off the students... and drive up and spend the weekend with her... it was SO late by the time the students and I got home, I called her... and told her I was going to wait until in the morning to come over... if that was ok with her... and she assured me it was...

The next morning, I was sicker than a dog... arf arf arf... so I called her... she didn't answer, but I left voice mail... told her I was sick... and asked her if she wanted to come over here... we could watch movies... stuff like that... and I asked her to call me back...


I never heard from her...  at least until late Sunday evening... obviously too late to drive over and then be at work the next AM...  so we set sights on the next weekend...




That weekend arrived... I drove over... we went to dinner... came back home... and then I drove her around the blocks a few times... if'n you know what I mean... and at some point, she pushes away from me... and says...


"Shoes... I've got something I need to tell you..."


GULP!!!!  That is NEVER good news, no matter who's telling it to you!!!


So I sit up in bed... and face her... and she says... 'Last Friday night... when you called and said you weren't coming over... I went out and picked up this guy... and fucked him...

So I sat there a little stunned... and then dared to venture forth about the following Saturday night when I was sick...  "Did you go out that night too?"


"Yes," she replied...


"Did you pick up a guy and fuck him??"


"Yes," she replied...

We had agreed upon a monogamous relationship... and evidently the rules changed... and I didn't know about that rule change... when rules within a relationship change, I would suppose that it's in the best interest of both parties to know about the said changes...


I am not sure, but I would guess that I could possibly be in an open relationship...  I am confident that my wife spent the last part of our marriage in a sexually monogamous relationship that did NOT include me... but that's another story...

There are more 'Dee' stories I will share...  It's been a strange week or so... C called last Monday night... M called the week before... several other women from my past have emailed or contacted me lately...

So I guess I am trying to figure out the alignment of the planets and all of that crap... seeing if any  thing makes sense to me...  That image of the planets over there looks to be a tad bit phallic... no???


Anyway, this story about 'Dee' doesn't doesn't make that much sense, ... but I did figure it could be could be entertaining....


As a friend of mine at work says... "Shoes... you sure can pick em..."

~shoes~