Recently, I woke up thinking about my family...
I seem to be quite versed at having thoughts that are polar opposites of each other...
One thought was,
"I love my family... I just don't like people in it..."
The other was...
"I don't like my family, but I do like some of the people in it..."
I don't know why I think like this...
I found this image today...
It struck a chord with me.
I try to do the right things... I try to be nice to others... I try to be respectful to and of others... but at times, I think I fail. I think I don't do enough...
Sometimes I hide myself away... I think I am doing this again right now... there have been several events that have transpired since my sister died. Some I've written about... some I haven't.
My response tends to be one of 'flight'... or of 'hiding'... I do think I find Peace when I do this, but I know for a fact that I am avoiding Life when I do this...
People will often ask,
"Shoes... how are you?"
... and I will answer that, "I'm pretty ok... or that things are pretty ok..."
My logic is that if I say that things are 'great,' then there is no superlative comment left to describe something that is even better than what I was initially feeling... so I always try to leave room for improvement. Likewise, wheels are prone to coming off as well...
So everything is temporary... fleeting... just because we are 'pretty ok' now, it doesn't mean that it won't be a few moments from now.
I'm at the point where I know I am going to have to forgive family members again...
I have told my younger brother before that one must forgive... that is something we do for ourselves... something that brings Peace to us... it really does nothing for the person that you feel has wronged you. It is something we do for ourselves.
I am really fighting the idea that I will need to just 'forget' these people...
Let them go...
The family member who confronted me at the funeral was one I had let go... the bastard came back... maybe it will be another seventeen years before I have to deal with him again.
I am feeling lost...
greatly lost...
I am struggling...
greatly...
greatly...
(sign language...)
... but, I will be ok...
~shoes~
U are not alone in ur feelings. I feel the same way about some of my family members. A few times I have cried to my Dad saying this is hard how can u love ur family aka my siblings but "not like them" and "not want to be around them." I'm sorry that u are going through all this but it's life and u already know that. This is life. There will be sad times and happy times in our lives. And at times, some events seem very unfair. I think u are a very loving and caring man. And sometimes it seems to be unappreciated by those u try to care for. I walk in similar shoes too. My last week has been full of tears and blue times because of the way things have transpired. As always thoughts and prayers for u. But u do have people whom care for u even if it is on the blogspot. People do care how u feel and wish they could be the shoulder for u to cry on. As always take care as best u can.
ReplyDeleteHi, Stormy... I think it becomes an issue of whom one is going to let go...
DeleteWhen i was younger, I guess I always imagined a life time of family and fun get-togethers and such...
... and it simply wasn't meant to be.
Of course, as some of the following comments will bear out, I am certainly not alone in this regard...
~shoes~
Going to type of a few things just because of personal experience in these area.
DeleteI have "created" a new family--a family of friends (I however kept this circle very small). I am close to my dad, stepmom (whom live in NC) and my half-sister (whom lives in CA) and my step grandmomma (lives in Memphis). However visits take some planning aka flying and whatnot. I came back to Memphis to be close to my other siblings and my mom whom by the way all ran away to other states within a five year time period of my returning to my hometown. With the exception of my brother whom chooses to have nothing to do with our family because it's our fault his three marriages and the lose of custody.
I know I know TMI.
I think the most important thing here is to realize that u and I are in the same boat with a lot of other people. I suppose the difference is gonna be how we react and deal with it.
I am taking a different approach to a few things lately. Forgiving and forgetting. Instead of trying to make it all better. Trying not to control the situation or people for that matter. Doesn't work out well for me in the end anyway. Would u not agree?
And truly to start living each day as it was my last. Just enjoy the day and then have a peaceful night of sleep.
Enjoy my pup whom is getting to the end of his life cycle 12 years and 6 months. However he still is full of life just slower and sleeps more.
Last night, I'm reading my latest novel "Carved in Bone" by Jefferson Bass. And u came to mind--reason is some of the life events u have talked about. The Professor in the book. And not just because he was a professor but because of his "stop living a part of his life" so to speak when his wife passed of ovarian cancer. Isn't divorce just as bad as death? He worked and whatnot but he just was too hurt to deal with the death of his wife. So he avoided that part of his life aka getting involved with someone else to love. Funny how we can see people in books, journals or everyday life. Well, stuff that reminds us of possible other characters in our life.
Well, sorry this is so long.
Good to see ur next blog was of a feeling of positiveness. My blue moment has passed too and now I am on to seeking some joyful moments.
I have to admit, I do what you do to a T... seriously.. If someone offends me whether with words/action, I distance myself from them...by doing that it de-stresses me.. if that makes sense..I stop communicating w/them... One thing I do have a hard time doing is taking the higher road... therefore I distance myself... As far as your brother, Karma works in mysterious ways.. I think deep down he realizes how he has been towards you and just has not a clue as to how to remedy it... or he does and worse- has not the courage or faith that you two may come to terms... And yes, there quite a few relatives I am not thrilled with.. We don't pick our families we're born into them... So its up to us to have the courage and understanding to deal with them... Your feelings are normal... Folks like us who live by logic have a hard time dealing w/illogical...As I was told with' human relationships their is no logic'... (those words are from my family therapist)
ReplyDeleteSome would say that what I do... what you do... is probably some form of denial... avoidance, but it does work for me.
DeleteI am at the point where I am no longer able... no longer willing... no longer desire to struggle with my family members.
My holidays are going to be drastically different this year.
... but that is ok...
~shoes~
I have found that avoiding negativity works best for me and that includes people. My friends bring me joy and happiness. I can't say the same for my family.
ReplyDeleteThat picture of you is awesome!
Hi there, Barb...
DeleteAvoiding negativity is a huge thing. I agree about friends bringing happiness. I have discovered that I can't rely upon my family to do this for me...
Thank you for the compliment on the photo... :o)
~shoes~
I love my family, sometimes we fight/argue, but my mom has always taught us to work things out and never go to bed angry at each other. Ever since we were little, she would tell us this. She'd say, "Brothers and sisters don't fight with each other" And so, although we beat the crap out of each as kids, when we got older, our relationships with each other just flourished. It's really cool too. My sister is my best friend. But I also get along great with my brothers. We still argue at times and disagree (strongly at times) but we work it out. It pains me when I hear of families who have gone years without speaking to each other. I'm sorry you are going through this, but at least you are trying to work it out within yourself. It's the only way you will have peace, my friend.
ReplyDeleteTaking a break from life and hiding out is ok for a little while, but you eventually, you have to face it and go forward with it.
Sending you hugs!
ps- NICE picture of you! :)
Hi, Yvonne... fight/argue seems to be much of what happens within my family structure today.
DeleteI have commented many times that Mom was the person that held our family together... she was the glue. When Mom died, this family started to disintegrate...and I think with the death of Jane, it has reached total destruction.
It's sad, but it also happens.
You are right, I can't hide forever... can I?
Thank you for the compliment on the photo... :o)
~shoes~
yes, really nice picture of you (must be the attitude). love that you put it out there - honored the place you're at today. just sit with it, focus in on it.
ReplyDeletefor the first time ever, I will be alone for thanksgiving. i have no connection with the remaining members of my family - dad gone, husband gone, daughter with her dad's side, grandson with his mom's side. I've decided I'm okay with it (today). going to volunteer somewhere (if I feel up to it) and then just be. i have a feeling there will be a lot of tears, if so, at least they're real.
Hi there, Monkey...
Deletethank you for the nice words on the photo...
As for where any of us are at any point in time, we have to honor and acknowledge it... there is nothing more... nothing else we can really do.
ThanksGiving? I have no idea what I will do. In the past, I would try to make things happen for my sister... or go to see my daughter down in NOLA.
This year, I'm just not sure at all.
Time... and Life... changes many things in our lives. What remained of this family after the death of Dad is now totally gone...
Like you, I am ok with it...
~shoes~
All your sayings work for me. I too tend to avoid people so they can't hurt me. Actually...I do extremely well with strangers. Yet...given my choice....I would stay right here in my safe home. And as always....I you peace.
ReplyDeleteI'm struggling to understand the concept of 'family' right now. It makes no sense at all to me.
DeleteI agree with that about strangers... staying away so people can't hurt you...
Peace to you, dear...
~shoes~
And speaking of family....I never understood how anyone wouldn't speak to a family member. It was a weird thing to me. Foreign. Yup. I believed that right up until my dad died. Then my older sister -who was my "mom", sister and best friend- emotionally left me when I needed her most. It was ...I just don't even have words to describe it. I....well I haven't talked to her since 2005.
ReplyDeleteEvidently, this kind of behavior is quite common.
DeleteMy Dad had told me about how his Dad, and his Dad's brother didn't speak the last 13 years or so that his brother was alive. Supposedly, my GrandDad had taken some gold coins that belonged to his father... and GrandDad was held responsible for that.;
Oddly enough, some years later, when yet another brother died, he had the coins...
Go figure, huh?
~shoes~
Family things are tough, but I like your quote posted about forgiveness. You do deserve peace. I find pretending difficult family members are business associates and just go with cordial and polite and let it go when I'm "off work". There isn't an easy solution that I know of.
ReplyDeleteHi there, Ella...
DeleteWe deserve Peace... we deserve Love...
I hope all is well with you today...
~shoes~
Your blog had me questioning what some of the things you posted. I will post later when I have more time to comment on this. Hugs for now
ReplyDeleteYou are loved and respected. Family, at times, is where you find it. We may not be blood, but we are part of you in spirit.
ReplyDeleteI question what is 'family' any more...
DeleteI've not had great luck with family members...
~shoes~
You may be lost, but you're not alone, ok?
ReplyDeletestephanie
Hi there, dear...
DeleteYes, Lost... but not alone...
There's a shiznit load of us out there...
*huggles*
~shoes~
I guess I question the whole avoiding life comment. We all have different opinions about what "living life " really means.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you need to step back or out of the issue that seems to be plaguing you right now.
That doesn't mean you are hiding but taking a moment to keep things in perspective and there is nothing wrong with that.
So don't sell yourself short just yet on that your "avoiding life"
By the way.... Love the photo of you!!!
gf u hit the nail on the head! :-) stepping back is not a bad thing..
DeleteLiz... Chris.. I think we are all guilty of avoiding Life in one way or another...
DeleteLiz... I think your second paragraph sums things up quite well as it relates to me. There are some things that have occurred that have caused me to want a distance between some family members and myself.
I will be ok with whatever decisions I end up having to make.
~shoes~
You are right. Forgiveness is NOT something we do for others. We do it for us. So, you know it is in your best interest to forgive those who are unforgiven. BUT you don't have to LIKE them. That is not what forgiveness is. It is just saying I am done with that. I am okay with that now. It might also be saying that there is no place for that person in your future. And that is FINE.
ReplyDeleteWhen I get stuck, I focus on my desire to forgive and not the road that will take me there. If you don't think about the How but focus instead on the desire of your intention... it will happen before you know it.
Namaste.
Hi there, Ms Robin...
DeleteYou are exactly right about everything you said above...
Namaste, dear...
~shoes~
I love the signs you posted for this entry. I've forgiven people who have hurt me but I don't ever allow them back in my life. I cut them off for good and that includes family/relatives. I forgive them because I've found if I don't the anger just keeps building inside of me. It doesn't seem like it at first but trust me, it gets better and the pain inside diminishes.
ReplyDeleteHang in there friend.
Good morning, Princess...
DeleteI collect adages... sayings... those that I find that I think describe who I am... what pertains to me.
I think I have a deep, respectful, spiritual side that volleys quite often with my fun, more laid-back and goofy side
It is about the diminished Pain.. isn't it?
~shoes~