Wednesday, October 9, 2013

"I Hate You..."





This event actually played out yesterday at the 
funeral home just prior to my sister's funeral...



I was waiting for the family to gather for the prayer... 
just before the funeral for my sister...



I hear my name being called out...

... in a loud voice...

an announcement, if you will...

Shoes!

Shoes!!

Shoes!!!


It's the brother that I haven't talked 
to since the day we buried Dad...

It seems we were destined to talk 
again on the day we buried our sister.


"I want you to know that I hate you...

I love you as a brother...

but, I hate you!!!"


With my peripheral vision,

I could see people clearing out...

Why do people take opportunities like these

to make assholes out of themselves??


Do you believe in "Divine Intervention?"

There must be such a thing... 

...because I think my response to him was Classic.

I told him that...

"I've always loved you..."

... and looked him squarely in the eyes.

After an awkward silence, he said...

I need to go...

My reply was...

"yes you do..."

~shoes~









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55 comments:

  1. Pat HattOctober 9, 2013 at 3:08 PM

    One way to leave him speechless. Always one in the crowd or ten.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Red ShoesOctober 9, 2013 at 3:34 PM

    Hi, Pat... thank you...

    I am not sure where my reply came from, but it was just right for the occasion... of course, there were people who later called me to apologize for this bastard's behavior... that said they were afraid I was going to lay him out....

    He probably would have deserved it.

    Now, I am comforted in knowing that I will never ever have to see him again.

    I won't be attending his funeral, and he surely wouldn't come to mine...

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete
  3. klahanieOctober 9, 2013 at 7:51 PM

    Brotherly love in a loving, hateful, loving way. Beyond the awkward silence, your brother will have time to reflect.

    You reaction and diplomacy are to be commended. Your control under such an awful situation is the measure of your good self.

    Gary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Red ShoesOctober 9, 2013 at 8:36 PM

      Hi there, Gary... it was a very surreal moment in a very surreal day...

      He's a jerk... of all places to carry out this kind of action... at his sister's funeral??

      Bastard...

      I do try... maybe too hard... to be a good person...

      That's important to me.

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  4. EllaOctober 9, 2013 at 9:25 PM

    We can only live in the moment and move forward, although many times that isn't the easiest thing to do.

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    1. Red ShoesOctober 10, 2013 at 5:46 AM

      Good morning, Ella...

      Yes... what you say is SO true...

      In the long run, he isn't even a memory...

      Thank you for your kind words, dear...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  5. Just telling it like it isOctober 10, 2013 at 4:06 AM


    This brought tears to my eyes....how dare anyone say anything in your time of morning...Lucky I wasn't there...My Gosh I am dumbfounded...actions with love will always prevail...how ever I don't mind asking for forgiveness do to my love for you...you are not alone..

    ReplyDelete
  6. Red ShoesOctober 10, 2013 at 5:53 AM

    Good morning, you...

    I can imagine playing through this, and a whole host of mean, ugly things playing out... I have no idea if he intended for an argument to ensue... or a physical confrontation...

    I think my comment in return was the most wisest way to have handled that situation... but as I have said, it just came to me...

    Life is good... the present right now is kind of fukked-up, but it's going to straighten itself out again...

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete
  7. Red ShoesOctober 10, 2013 at 6:09 AM

    ... and then, there is my good friend, Steven... and his always wise assessment of situations.

    You are so corrected, Steven... Thank you for this...

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete
  8. MaxOctober 10, 2013 at 6:52 AM

    Good lord, what a horrible thing for him to do. Your response was perfect. I'm sorry about your sister's passing. All the best, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Red ShoesOctober 10, 2013 at 1:11 PM

      Hi thre, Max... I think the most special moments of all of this was after she had passed... and I got to spend some time alone with her... hold her hand... I got to tell her some things... I sure she didn't hear this in this world, but she heard them in the next.

      What he did was sad and small-minded. Whatever issues he had with me, they could have been discussed elsewhere...

      Of course, maybe he felt that was the safest place... thinking that I might strike him.

      All in all, I tend to feel sorry for small-minded people...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  9. Kalei's Best FriendOctober 10, 2013 at 6:58 AM

    Well, I am glad u got that off your chest to him... Now, its in his court.. rather it always has been and isn't it sad, that it took a tragedy for him to get it out? he didn't have the balls to address this to you like a man? Like I told you, he must envy you... that is the only logical answer... As long as there is nothing tangible for you to figure out what u caused, then its all HIM... He has to wrestle with it ... the fact that he backed away says millions... He's just like my cousin- except his actions are somewhat different... Karma is sweet- I keep telling myself that.. I believe it...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Red ShoesOctober 14, 2013 at 3:00 PM

      You know... after the burial, I started to approach him to talk to him about some things... but a voice in my head said, 'fuck it...'

      I have struggled with people in this family for so long...

      He can wrestle with it...

      I can't/won't expend energy on things like this any more...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  10. Kalei's Best FriendOctober 10, 2013 at 8:16 AM

    U and I know the reason the people cleared out of the room was because folks can't deal with the truth...or challenge it...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Red ShoesOctober 14, 2013 at 3:03 PM

      I went on an 'Apology Tour' on Friday... actually apologizing to people who had to see and experience this event.

      As my Mom would have said...

      "What is the matter with people today?"

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  11. Jules October 10, 2013 at 8:37 AM

    I'm sorry for your loss Shoes.

    I think your retort was perfect. Both of them. You are a good man.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Red ShoesOctober 14, 2013 at 3:05 PM



      You know... I was so damaged in this way after the death of my Dad and my divorce... that this comment became one of the nicest things someone could have told me.

      I hope it is true...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
    2. Red ShoesOctober 14, 2013 at 3:07 PM

      Well... I had copied your comment, "You are a good man." and wanted it included as a header... I have no idea what happened to it...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  12. BathwaterOctober 10, 2013 at 10:20 AM

    Way to keep your self respect.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Miss Stormy "Gumshoe" MarplesOctober 10, 2013 at 10:40 AM

    I wonder "What transpired to make one brother state to another brother "I hate you." at a funeral too. It will be really sad if in the end that it was just a misunderstanding of some sort along the way between siblings. I don't know I think I would seek my brother out and find out why he hates me enough to say it outloud at a funeral. And I say this because I've had a sibling tell me "I hate you too." In the end, it was all a misunderstanding of what they thought had happened. One does not have peace until one truly puts something to rest. Do u really think this has been put to rest? I think not. I personally would seek him out and ask him "Why do u hate me?" in a more private setting of course. "What have I done or said to make u hate me?" I have found that people don't like "CONFRONTATION". Seems to be the hot topic this month too. Why we are unwilling to talk to people about what is bothering them about us. I often wonder why "I am disliked at times." Most of the time it is because I am willing to put it out there even in the end if I am not liked. I don't think it's over with. But u did respond with the right words. "I have always loved you." Now, I'm asking u to prove to yourself that u do love your brother and seek him out for your peace of mind.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Red ShoesOctober 14, 2013 at 3:15 PM

      I am at peace with my decision... trust me on this.

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  14. RobinOctober 10, 2013 at 10:53 AM

    Wow. I keep thinking that people have lost their power to shock me - and then they do. I can't imagine my brother saying that to me. Of course, I know that you and your brother had a parting of the ways many years ago, but still... Aren't there some things you just DON'T SAY. Or, if you must say them, don't you do it away from a funeral? Isn't that day hard enough already????

    I must agree with everyone else that your response was PERFECT and so very classy. Maybe he will take some time to reflect on that and his heart will soften just a bit. It might not ever change things between the two of you, but maybe he will become a better version of himself than he is now. And the people who are close to him will benefit.

    ((Hugs to you))

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    1. Red ShoesOctober 14, 2013 at 3:27 PM

      Hi, Robin... nothing shocks me any more... absolutely nothing.

      I wouldn't have made a scene at my sister's funeral, had the roles been reversed...

      I would love to claim that my response was planned, but it wasn't. It just happened.

      I'm really in pain... hurting over this... and a host of other things.

      This sister was the one that screwed us over so when Dad died... maybe now, I can put my Dad to rest...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  15. Sherry EllisOctober 10, 2013 at 11:14 AM

    Wow! You kept surprisingly calm! I'm not sure how I would've handled the situation.

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    1. Red ShoesOctober 14, 2013 at 3:24 PM

      Hi, Sherry... thank you. I would love to be able to tell you that I had thought out, 'now, if anyone approaches me about anything, I'm going to...'

      ... but the truth is that I didn't see it coming.

      That's why I referred to it as divine intervention...

      How are you??

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  16. Wine and WordsOctober 10, 2013 at 11:23 AM

    I wish I could have mouth blocked him. Makes my fists clench, but grief does weird things to people. I think you need a couple cool blogger chicks help you escape for a bit :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. MarionOctober 10, 2013 at 11:58 AM

    Hey, Red Shoes. I'm Marion. My BFF, Annie, told me about your blog. My Mama's from Pascagoula and I think you and I may be related. (Tee-hee...just kidding, but you never know).

    I've been to dozens of family funerals (two double funerals of cousins killed by a drunk driver in Meridian at Christmas in the 1960's) and I have to say that this is mild compared to some of the stories I have. You handled it beautifully, though, like a pro. (When my Uncle Warner died, Mama had to lock Aunt Ruth in a no-tell motel because Aunt Ruth got drunk at the wake--another story there-- and purt-near knocked Uncle Warner out of his casket. Aunt Ruth cussed about that for ten years until she died.)

    I hope to meet you one day. I live in central Louisiana near (in) a swamp. Love your blog. xo

    ReplyDelete
  18. AmiOctober 10, 2013 at 12:41 PM

    Utterly incredible. I know that death and funerals and sadness and grief often bring out some of the really bad things in people. Your brother is a great example of that.
    But huge life events also bring out what's best in some.
    And you're proof of that.
    (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  19. CholeesaOctober 10, 2013 at 1:55 PM

    wow.
    good for you, for remaining classy.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 1:10 PM

      Thanks, Choleesa...

      I don't understand people...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  20. BBOctober 10, 2013 at 5:35 PM

    This one brought back memories from my Dad's funeral. All 4 of my brother's and their wives decided to gang up on me after being sweet as pie the night before. They were worried I was going to take Dad's money...of which there was none!! Like you said, why do people like to use these occasions to make assholes out of themselves? I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of arguing on the day of my Dad's funeral. And, your response was classy! Something your brother could learn from. Again, I'm sorry for your loss. XX

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    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 1:06 PM

      Hi there, Barb...

      I am sorry for what you experienced...

      I am tired of people... I am tired of family...

      Blah...

      Thank you for your kind words... :o)

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  21. Cocaine PrincessOctober 10, 2013 at 11:22 PM

    Under the circumstances I applaud the road you chose in handling the situation. I believe in divine intervention. It's a powerful thing. Again, I'm very sorry for your loss.

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    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 12:59 PM

      Hi, Princess...

      Thank you so much for your kind words, dear...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  22. YvonneOctober 11, 2013 at 12:59 AM

    Wow. I have two brothers and a sister. And trust me, we have all said hateful things in the heat of the moment, to each other. But then we make up and are friends again. I could say "I hate you" to any of my siblings, no matter how stupid they get. There is a time and place for everything and clearly, your brother's timing was way off. Your response was appropriate and respectful. That a good thing. :)

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    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 12:55 PM

      Hi there, Yvonne... I honestly can't recall the last time I used the word, 'hate'... it is a harsh, cruel word... I can say that 'I don't like' someone... but that doesn't seem to be the same level of whatever as 'hate' is...

      How are you today??

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  23. stephanie claraOctober 11, 2013 at 11:26 AM

    Oh my...


    He also said he loves you though.
    As a brother, yes, but that's exactly what you are...


    stephanie

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    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 12:52 PM

      Hey you...

      Sorry I'm late on responding to comments... its been so difficult.

      Yes, we are brothers... however, I would be satisfied if I never saw him again...

      How are you doing??

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  24. LinnnnOctober 13, 2013 at 11:50 AM

    If I had a brother who said such a thing to me, at the funeral of a sibling no less, I don't know how I would handle it on the spot. I do know that it would feel like a second death had happened right in front of me. The word "hate" tends to slam closed many doors for me. You are an amazing example of someone who can make it through a bad scene with dignity. Feel good about yourself.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 12:42 PM

      Hi there, Linnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...

      As far as I am concerned, this all has finished re-defining my family... I think it started with the death of my Mom... and just morphed... and now it is complete.

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  25. musicwithinyouOctober 13, 2013 at 5:37 PM

    I love how you handled it
    and Steven is so right about, never say never.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 12:40 PM

      Hi there, Liz...

      Thank you...

      This is as difficult as when my Mom and Dad died... but then it is family... isn't it?

      Delete
  26. Green MonkeyOctober 14, 2013 at 2:52 PM

    "yes, you do" perfect shoes. off the cuff perfection.

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    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 12:37 PM

      Hey you Green Monkey Girl... how are you resting?

      Are you feeling any better??

      "Off the cuff perfection" is exactly right, I think...

      I hope you are well...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  27. dixiebelleOctober 15, 2013 at 1:48 PM

    Hi Shoes. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister. You know though, I have to share what I learned from a funeral director a few years back. Funerals usually bring out the best and or worst in families. Looks like it brought out the best in you and the worst in your brother. I'm sorry you had to go through that. You came out on top of it though and letting go of the rest of it is all you can do. I agree with Steven too! Never say Never =)

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    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 12:35 PM

      Hi, DixieBelle...

      I would so agree about funerals bringing out the worst in people..

      Things are going to be ok... they just are...

      Thank you for your kind words....

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  28. MemphisOctober 17, 2013 at 5:58 PM

    All I can say is I am sorry about your sister. One of my cousins just died unexpectedly and we are all in an uproar around here. We still don't know the cause of death and that is adding to the emotion. I can sympathize with how it must feel right now.

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    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 12:31 PM

      Hi, Memphis Steve... I am so sorry to hear about your cousin... Was a cause of death ever determined??

      Thank you for the kind words... I hope you and your family proceed over the next few weeks as well...

      Life isn't always easy...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  29. Introverted ArtOctober 17, 2013 at 8:12 PM

    I am sorry Red... so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 12:27 PM

      Thank you, Ana... it's just going to take time...

      How are you and your art work coming along??

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  30. JJOctober 20, 2013 at 11:30 AM

    My deepest condolences, Shoes. Hatred is the problem of the hater. Be well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Red ShoesOctober 20, 2013 at 12:25 PM

      Good afternoon, JJ...

      I am trying to be well... this is just going to take time...

      I miss this woman...

      ~shoes~

      Delete
  31. AnonymousOctober 23, 2013 at 1:48 PM

    You handled that perfect!

    I'm sorry about your sister...

    ReplyDelete
  32. Red ShoesOctober 23, 2013 at 2:23 PM

    Hi, Ms O...

    I think I handled that situation pretty ok...

    Thank you for your kind words about my sister.

    ~shoes~

    ReplyDelete

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