"Fathers' Day..."

My Dad...

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then 

I miss my Dad... I have regrets... tons of regrets about the way I treated him... what I did... why I did it... is all buried back in the '2010' part of my blog where this thing served as a personal journal as much as anything.

I wish I knew then what I know now... what has changed is that I do believe I  am wiser today...  I think I finally figured out that most of us do the best we know how to do in Life.  Life doesn't come with an operator's manual... we have to figure it out as we go.

Someone shared a thought with me the other day... about depression being the worry about what has happened in the past, and anxiety being the worry about what will happen in the future.  But, it's all the same, isn't it?

I fret about having been the son that I was... and how  I could have been a better son to my Mom and Dad.  I worry about whether or not any of my accomplishments would have made them proud of me.

I worry about whether or not I've been the best Dad for my daughter and son.  Could I have done some things better? Differently??  I 'grew' into be a Dad... I always tried to make time for them... but much like the song above, today they are busy.  They don't have time for Dad.

... and so it plays out... over and over and over.  

I was telling someone the other day that my Mom could control me with guilt... making me feel bad about things.  Maybe this worrisome attitude that I have about things like this is the end result.

I try to not make my kids feel bad when they let me down... I tell them that it's just the  Nature of Life.  

And so it goes, huh?

I love you, Dad...

I miss you...

~shoes~