"Public Bathrooms..."

So... I was in one of the mens' rooms within my college here at Alluvial Flood Plain State University... taking care of business.  I tend to be on the 'quiet' side... no unnecessary noises... things like that.

Then some guy comes in... takes the stall next to mine... and the only thing that comes to mind that is he did some kind of complete 'system dump.'  I don't mean one of the long, drawn out kind... it's like someone dropped five pounds of something or another into the john all at one time.  There was a huge anal blast... a great displacement of water... and then a vocalization that could only signify great pleasure.

Damn...

Potty Spiders??

I'd hate for one of those to bite me on my...

 well... 

you get the drift.

There are some guys that come in and fart out some kind of concerto in some unheard of key...  maybe it's the key of BUTT!!!

Anyway...

That led to some research on the topic...

Public restrooms are a wasteland of desperation and diarrhea...  if you have never used one, you are one of the luckiest six people alive.

All public bathrooms always include at least all of the following:

• Graffiti - This is definitely the highlight of any trip to a public toilet...  it can resemble anything from 'cave paintings' to a rolodex of phone numbers, dependent upon the gas station or strip club you are patronizing.  You will see unimaginable artwork, crudely drawn/carved cuss words, and phone numbers... possibly your mother's phone number.

• Turdffiti - same as graffiti, but drawn/written with poop... if you discover turdffiti, you should notify a haz-mat team to clean/neutralize the place.  If you are the artist, you should just go ahead and commit yourself.
• Floor Turd - These are self-explanatory surprises that one will find either laying on the floor of the rest room, or in more unlikely places for human waste.  These are normally left by people with really dark sides, or deviants who just want to make janitors cry...
• Pee Gel - layers of coagulated urine left on public bathrooms floors.  This is possibly due to the presence of drains on the bathroom floors, that encourage men to just pee there.  Pee Gel in mens' rooms can be several inches thick.
• Pubic Hair of Doom - there will always be a worm-sized pubic hair on the toilet seat of the toilet selected.  Legend has it that it moves from toilet seat to toilet seat.  Use anything other than your hand to brush it off... or it will embed in your hand.

Now, if this hasn't been bad enough, imagine the different beings with whom you will come in contact while taking care of a normal (possibly) bodily function.  They may consist of:

• Talkers - people who will talk with you or others while taking care of business.

• Stall-talkers - Kind of like talkers, only they occupy the stall next to you... the scary thing is that you have no idea what they are doing over there.

• Phone-talkers - those who feel the need to share the sounds of straining with their friends.

• Human Space Ships - those who are afraid to let their butt cheeks make contact with the public toilet seat... so they hover.  Women tend to be the biggest cuplrits of this maneuver. 

Two other pieces of trivia that you might like to know:

• 110% of all craps taken in public bath rooms are diarrhea.  The extra 10% are those that end up anywhere other than in the toilet.

• One should only use gas station bathrooms if they are on fire, are in a zombie movie, or if there is no open wilderness for miles.

If I were to tell you where the motivation for this post came from, you would never believe me...

~shoes~