Happy Fukken New Year…
... or so they say...
Man, have I been out of the Loop or what? I haven't posted since December 15th...
No "Merry Christmas" posts or any of that stuff...
*sighs*
I had mentioned earlier that I was emotionally down... and how I tend to reduce the size of my world when I feel this way...
What way is it that I am feeling? I don't know... I don't feel threatened, I don't think... but I have greatly withdrawn from everything... from everybody... from Life.
Outside of my Son, I really saw no one over Christmas that mattered to me... I did spend a few hours with one of my brothers and his wife, but that felt more like an obligation... I did see my daughter after Christmas... she and her husband drove to Oxford, MS to see Boyshoes for his birthday...
I spent the same hours with my sister... the one that I thought was leaving us back in August...
She's doing much better, I think... she's mean again... How sad is that? If someone wanted to make a movie about a female version of 'Mr. Scrooge,' she would be the ideal model for that role.
You know how people say that you can't take your money/riches with you when you die? She will prove everyone wrong on that account... she WILL find a way...
We report back to work tomorrow... it will be registration for the Spring, 2012 semester...
I don't care... I really don't care... the indifference of the students and the ambivalence administration has caught up with me...
They've won...
I've started going through my guitars... they've been a joy to me, but I have too many... I'm going to start selling some of them off... they deserve to be played more than they are getting played...
I've written before about my good friend, Keith... he and I have gone on quite of few trips... we like Monument Valley, we've done parts of the Appalachian Trail... anytime we've planned trips, it's always been with the caveat that whether we actually went or not would be dependent on how well Connie (his wife) was doing at the time... Connie's struggled so with colon cancer...
Connie died over the Christmas break... it hurt to see my friend, Keith, so grief stricken...
So it goes...
I had a dream about my Mom the other night... and like many of the dreams about her, I never see her... I "feel" her... what does that mean? Anyone have any ideas?? I hear her talk... I sense her presence... but I never see her in the dreams...
I've not "felt well" since November...
This is not the right time of the year for me to want to be taking a pilgrimage...but I so need to rejuvenate...
In all seriousness...
Happy New Year, folks...
~shoes~
Sending big cyber hugs!! Sorry you got the blues!! Sometimes the decreased sunlight of the winter months can make us feel lethargic. Keep blogging, use your words to push through this emotional sludge you've hit.
ReplyDeleteAs for your mums? Well, that seems obvious to me. (I'm assuming by the nature of your dreams that she has passed?) To me, it just means even though you can't see her, her presence is still around you.
Sorry to hear about Connie.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lil Dreamer, your mother is with you. Her spirit is alive within yours.
Even if it's a bad time, you need to get away. Go renew yourself.
(will be sending you pictures of Valentina Crossbow very soon!)
Sorry you are feeling down Shoes. I hope this year is a better year for you. Sometimes we have to reevulate
ReplyDeleteour lives and the direction that we are heading ( are we happy?, do I need to edit my dream plans for the future? etc.), maybe that's what you need a new outlook on your future? All the best to you Shoes.
Not the best way to start a new year. Lil Dreamer is right... keep blogging. My blog is my therapist. Does that make any sense to you? I hope it does, Shoes. Don't worry about your indifferent students. There's so much more to live for.
ReplyDeleteHere's to a better year, sir.
ReplyDeleteSHOES.........!!! really lifts my spirits to see your post. Shall I meet you in NOLA? tell me when and I will be there! give me an excuse... sorry, I must go visit shoes!
ReplyDeleteFEEL... feel is all we have. see is what we need to let go of. let go of needing to SEE to believe. "Just because HE isn't here doesn't mean he's gone" is something I repeated to myself over and over again, in the days, months and years after my sons passing. He's here, She's here..... believe!
I always wanted to be inspired by my job as of late it only has depressed me which is why I took a two week vacation from the job place over Christmas. Yesterday, this is what a news reporter quoted to me that her mother told her. I find some truth in this quote nowadays. Her and her photographer/video man were discussing my job and theirs while waiting to interview someone in my office. "It's a living, not your life." Lately, I have been putting God first, Family/friends second and the job third. It seems to have helped truthfully. It's hard to keep caring about people when they no longer keep in tune to you. You'd just rather let them slide by the wayside after awhile. I still think u should try to head out to Utah for spring break. It won't be so hot then didn't u say that u wanted to go in cooler weather. It would at least be something to look forward too. As to ur sister going back to her old ways, that seems the way of the world when people don't need u anymore they tend to go back to their old ways until they need something from u. I know I'm just trying to surround myself with people who actually care and those people are very limited in my world. My world has gotten smaller all of a sudden cuz I don't waste my time on selfish fake people. Blogging/Journaling is a sense of therapy. Just to say what u feel outloud helps tremendously whether the problem or feelings are resolved. Get a dog. Seriously, it will make u feel better. Rescue one that's even better you'll be saving a life and I bet u anything they'll be saving ur life too. Take care.
ReplyDeleteHere's to a new year, and a new start. Do what you need to do in order to cleanse yourself and start with fresher eyes and a rejuvenated mind.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, the despair will only grow.
Best of luck.
I don't think that the seeing or not seeing your mom in your dreams makes her any less there.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear about Keith's wife. I am sure that he is feeling devastated.
As for your sister... we all have different ways of dealing with depression or a sense of loss. Makes me wonder what is really going on with her. She cannot be happy acting the way that she is. Something has to be eating away at her.
I get your need to take a pilgrimage. Mom and I are talking about a trip. I am strongly rooting for a trip out west if I can tolerate the plane ride with inner ear situation. It is going to happen fairly soon (like in March).
You might also want to get yourself checked out by the doctor... like a physical or something. If you have any idea what is wrong with you, don't play around and have it checked. Don't wait until you are fighting an uphill battle.
Take care of you!
~Robin
We need margaritas. :)
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to you, Shoes. I wish you to find something positive every day. Chin up!
It's so hard to watch someone's grief and not know what you can do to help. Of course there's nothing anyone can do, it just takes a lot of time.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry things are feeling bad for you right now. I'm no use when it comes to having the right words, but I'm sending good thoughts your way. Which won't help... but it's all I got.
I need to get my hands on my daughter's guitar. She asked for one for Christmas three years ago and has spent about two hours playing it. Total. Ever.
Now my singing will always be better than my playing, but I can do some simple chords and a little of this and that, and I know my kids at work would love to sing more. Now that my doctor has declared my vocal cords healed and is allowing me to sing, I just may.
So you've inspired me.
Feel better.
(((Hugs))
You're in our thoughts, Shoes, for whatever that is worth to you. It's never easy seeing or hearing about a friend who's having troubles. We hope that things improve soon.
ReplyDeleteWell you know how much I understand you in this space because we both deal with depression in the same way. It is counter productive to what we need. Yes, a trip, a good friend, and a lot of constructive mirroring. It's been a rough old year, that 2011, and it's our responsibility to leave that train back at the station. If anyone can pull those students out of their apathy, I believe you can! If anyone can help Keith with his grief, you are the one who has practiced so often and so recently! In giving back we can pull ourselves out from under the rock. I hear your heart Shoes. I'm proud of you for posting. It is opening the blinds...the first step to opening the window!
ReplyDelete- Annie ((hugs))
Sometimes when life deals a bad hand we need to shut ourselves away for a while. It's a healing process that just has to be done. I have no doubt you'll emerge stronger.
ReplyDeleteI sympathise greatly about the work because here in the UK its the same with indifferent students and ambivalent administration.
Desperately sorry to hear about Connie. Are you able to muster up enough strength for Keith as well as yourself?
Go take that break at the first opportunity!
@ Lil Dreamer... Happy New Year to you! I will eventually be ok... I just went into a serious slide back in November, and have had a difficult time pulling myself out of that quagmire... I will eventually be ok... As for Mom, yes, she's been gone so long now. I do miss her so... I just don't have dreams about her where she is visible to me. When I dream of Dad, he is visible... just not Mom. Thank you for your kind words!!
ReplyDelete@ Nitebyrd... hey you. Connie was a wonderful soul... she will be missed... I will be ok... I know Mom is with me, I just miss not being able to see her... I can't wait to see Valentino Crossbow!!
@ Wishing On A Star... Yes, you ask the right questions... relevant questions... It is about a change in direction. Maybe a career change... who knows... it does feel like serious burnout... blah!!
@ RCB... you are so right. I have lost my focus.. my direction... many of the comments received mention that, and it's easy to see now. Thank you so much for your thoughts!
@ Green Monkeys and Red Shoes... LOL I wonder about a green monkey wearing red shoes... I've been in a funk... and will get out of it... thank you for your kind words. When is the next Burning Man? That sounds like SO much fun!!!
@ Joshua... Thanks, my friend... and knock off the 'sir' crap... HA!!
Pfffttt... students... I will be back...
~shoes~
@ Marples... I have been SO defined by what I do... I've always had a great deal of interaction with my students...but something has happened.
ReplyDeleteI've written before that I feel I have lost my muse... that motivation... that drive.
I am so indifferent right now... to the point that I simply can't define it... It's almost as if I have lost that ability to interact or connect with others...
I suppose I will figure it out one of these days...
@ Lost.In.Idaho... I know one thing I need to do, and that's get back over and read your blog... I've always enjoyed reading it.
As for the process, it is a cleansing... isn't it? Happy New Year!
@ Robin... re: your last comments about getting to the dr., I am having blood pressure issues again... I went last year this time and discovered that I was really in trouble... the medication that he prescribed seems to have worked well... I went to see him back in late November/early December, and it was right bqck to the higher levels...
I don't know... blah...
Out West... what a GREAT place to be...
@ France... Margaritas would sure help!!! How are you doing?? Happy New Year!!
@ Ami... hey you... thank you for your kind words... We just have to stop out pity parties sometimes and get to work on things. No one can really help me but me... It is probably just a state of mind, but lately, my state of mind hasn't been in a good place...
I love playing my guitars... I have a couple that are my favorites... and the rest need a good home. Playing and working on chord voicings is much a form of therapy for me... It takes me away, so to speak...
Thank you for your kind words...
@ Jack and Jill... thank you... I've been reading... just haven't been commenting... Happy New Year to you two!!!
@ Annie... yes, we do handle things in a similar fashion... the students? I honestly don't care, or at least that's my feeling right now... a sure sign that maybe I need to look at getting out of here soon.
You are right about opening the blinds... as I have noticed from reading you lately, we seem to analyze and work through issues in a similar way... and writing seems to be a portal for that escape...
@ Hey Leah, yeah, that shutting away and withdrawing seems to work well for me... just making my world smaller, and then increasing the scope of it as things get better...
Happy New Year to you... :o)
~shoes~
I think I understand what u feel about ur career. I used to wish that I had a position likes ur that I could make a difference in people's life. Actually, last night I broke down and cried at Starbucks (second job) in the back mind u when discussing what was bothering me with our new store manager. Bottomline, was I'm tired of being surrounded by "People who don't care about one another anymore." It was embarrassing I tell u to actually be crying over something like this especially when u try to be professional. I told him I wish I didn't care about people because it makes me care about stuff when other's just "fa la la" through life without thinking about anyone.
ReplyDeleteAnd then to have some jerk suspect in a crime sit near my desk and tell me why u must have a boring job while I am trying to get something transcribed. I had to stop and say "Why would you even say something like that to someone?" He'd been bugging me for hours with stupid shit. I guess if it doesn't have dope and guns involved it is boring. At least it's legal. Blah.
Today, has sucked. Yesterday has sucked. And unfortunately, I'm having a hard time pulling myself out of the blue spell. I just want to hide.
If it weren't for my pets and my spiritual side, I would be miserable right now. Absolutely miserable because I am unhappy with the both places I work (uninspired) and have waited a long time for another position to come through 2 years and some months. I just want to make a difference somewhere in my life.
So unfortunately, I think I feel what u do at this point regarding the job. I sit in my car and dread going inside both places now. I don't normally behave that way. I'm usually the cheerleader to those who are down.
So I journal (personal)--I used to blog but it didn't work out so well for me so I took myself off the blogging. U and Memphis Steve are the only ones I keep up with as far as reading cuz y'all were in the south with me I suppose.
"It's a living, not my life." These jobs that is.
Shoes,
ReplyDeleteI second the motion about seeing your doctor. And if the doctor rules out physical illness, think about investigating SAD (seasonal affect disorder). There's a lot more sun where you live, but it still diminishes in mid-winter. Get out into it every day, if you aren't already. (Here in the north country, we supplement the sun with light boxes.) I also use anti-depressants, without which I'd have launched myself onto an ice floe years ago. Seriously, man, you've had a lot of loss and you need some help coping. There, I've said it.
Very cool pictures. I love your blog! Happy New year!
ReplyDeleteSOrry you had a bit of a depressing time recently. But at least the holidays are over now, and you can go back to life as it was meant to be! haha... yeah... but happy new year!
ReplyDelete*sigh*
ReplyDeleteI wish I was there.
xoxo
Robelyn
i know the feeling. christmas break was... well... neither a break nor very merry. there have been a lot of let-downs and set-backs.
ReplyDeletegrr. so annoying.
here's to 2012 being MUCH better than 2011.
Huggles Dear Shoesies ! You are not alone. You sound depressed, and guess what ? So am I ! So let's pop pills together, have a hug fest and go crazayyyyy !
ReplyDeleteI don't know what your dreams about your mom mean. But I think you should cherish the fact that she is in your dreams and that you can at least feel and hear her. She knows you love her and she loves you !
My theory is we get the information that we need when we are meant to get it. It's not always fair, it's not always easy, and I know you must want to see your mom, but many factors could come into play. Maybe your mom does not want you to see her, just "feel" her. Maybe your way of receiving information is to feel, rather than to see. Who knows ?
I have very occasional dreams about my grandmother and I usually see and hear her and sometimes she looks the way I last saw her, sometimes she does not. Last year at the airport in Holland I saw a dead-ringer for my grandma from behind. Same clothes, same hair, same purse, same walk. It was sooooo wierd, my heart pounded. Coincidence ? Maybe....... You can't provide scientific proof for these sorts of things. But you can cherish however your mother comes to you, whether you see or feel her.
I'mma step off my soap box now. Take your time in feeling normal. Don't pressure yourself to feel normal or else you'll just stress yourself out more. Just take it day by day and do what you feel will make you happy.
I appreciate this honest post and it's been a while since I've visited (I have a new blog now, yes).
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not as positive as I am, I can relate to parts of this post because something hadn't felt right (still doesn't at times) and I have to push myself to get out and go forward. Staying still is NOT a good thing when we feel like this, and trust me, it can turn around in a heartbeat.
Experiencing life, getting out and trying new things, taking a class, hiking the Appalachian Trail (lucky you!)...those things bring us out of the rut. I live for those times...and I make those times a priority! They MUST happen.
All the best to you!! Happy New Year! :D
Oh Shoes, wish there was something I could say to get you out of this funk you've been in.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I've had dreams before where I've "felt my mom." when I wake I feel such a sense of peace within me. It's really one of those indescribable feelings. I'm not sure what it means but I like to think it could be a sign or a message of some sorts that she's around me, looking over me as I'm sure your mom is too.
I do hope things get better for you soon.
@ Marples... I guess I am just tired of the BS that gets run through here for policy and all... it seems to be more important as to how we look on 'paper' than how we actually perform... blah...
ReplyDelete@ Blissed Out... Yes, I do need to go see a dr... I've got a couple of things that have recently arisen that need attention. I used Paxil back when I was getting divorced... it was one of the worst things I ever did to myself. But I remain hopeful! Thank you for your kind words...
@ BragonDorn.. thank you SO much!!!
@ Atley... slowly and surely, I will get my ship righted!!! :o)
@ Gobbles... ;o)
@ Senorita... I sent you an email... I hope you got it...You may get on your soapbox anytime I desire... I respect your thoughts. They mean a great deal to me... I know that we see things pretty much the same way... :o)
@ Scarlet... it's so good to see you around... I've missed reading your blog!! You are right... sitting stationary... not moving... means we stagnate, and I think get to feeling worse... Welcome back, and Happy New Year to you!!!
@ Princess... Things will be ok... these feelings pass over time. I so understand what you mean about your Mom... much like Senorita and her grandmother. We just know that they are there... I just miss my Mom SO much. I would love to see her in a dream again. That would be so reassuring...
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and best wishes... all in all, I'm ok... I'm just down. There are people out there with serious problems... at times, I think I'm just too 'soft'...
~shoes~