"Now... Why Don't He Write?"

'Dances With Wolves...'

Or...

"The reports of my death
have been greatly exaggerated."

~Mark Twain~

I got to looking at my blog... 

and saw that I hadn't posted anything in some time.

I am still alive... I am still kicking...

At times, I still really feel bad.

The headaches can be monsters.

There have been some spells where 
things have been much better...

and then there are times when they aren't.

Of the different drugs and such I have tried,

good ol' Tylenol and Alleve seem to work the best.

I found this diagram that explained a great deal to me...

It is rather obvious... it explains what 
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

has in common with Traumatic Brain Injury.

Each has its own unique symptoms and issues, but there are some that are shared by the two.  Of the ones unique to Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), the headaches are and have been the worst.  Sometimes, they have just been horrible.

There have been dizzy spells that have just been downright embarrassing... but I just tell me that at my age, we do slip... stumble... misstep. I've had many many spells of nausea... but have only gotten sick to my stomach once... but it was bad.

One spell happened while I was in the kitchen... after finishing, I just leaned over and rested my head on my arms... and the next thing I knew, I was coming to on the floor.  I have no memory of falling... and some kitchen items were on top of me... so I must have hit the wall pretty hard in order to have knocked them off the wall.

At times, I have trouble with noise... but that is one that seems to have gotten better since the fall.

For the shared symptoms, those are the ones that I still deal with the most.  Irritable... I am horrible.  I've had to apologize to people at work... I've had to apologize to students... I have had to apologize to friends...  there is no explanation for it... I just 'lose it.'

There is one high school friend that I cross paths with from time to time... she gets so upset with me because I can't remember her name... but I don't... and I can't recognize her. I went to the grocery one evening before coming home... and I saw so many people who came up to talk to me... I have no idea who they were. None...  Im sure that goes to cognitive disorders... I struggle with enunciation of words...  in my afternoon class today, one word... I just couldn't say it right... it frustrated me...

I repeated it over and over and over until I got it right.  It reminded me of Dustin Hoffman in 'Rain Man'... when he would repeat words over and over.

I struggle when I run into people that I know... and I should introduce someone... but the truth of the matter is that I can't recall the name of the individual that I have met.

Embarrassing.... so embarrassing...

I don't have insomnia issues... I get a sleep... but don't feel rested when I wake up.  When I fall asleep, it's as if a switch gets flipped off... and I just go dormant... until I wake up.

I've been teaching for a long time... way too many years... at the end of the day, I am worn out.  Lately, it's as if I have to work so hard... concentrate so hard... to make it through the day... it seems to take so much energy.  When I get home... I just crash. I go to bed and just sleep... wake up... and then go back to bed.

The information in this table is 10 years old, but scary all the same.  Two doctors have told me that I was lucky that I didn't die from the fall.  For that split second when I hit the floor, I knew it wasn't good.

But, when push comes to shove, I was a dumbass... 

I stopped paying attention...

I'm fortunate to be alive...

This has been one of the most difficult 

things I have ever had to go through.

Even though I am old...

This is the first time I have ever felt old.

~shoes~

~Post Script~

This thing has been in draft form forever... I would log in from time to time... add some things... but never post it.  The semester has ended... last week was the end of classes... this week is final exams and commencement.  I'm taking a break from grading and calculating scores and grades.  I am inundated with

"I need to make a..."

kinds of bullshit the past few days.  I've told them the whole fucking semester to not wait until the last moment... I've asked them to come and see me... 

All they want are 'welfare' grades... 'give me give me give me...'

Some little darlin' with a 42 average wants to do extra work.  

People in Hell want ice water...

Anyway... maybe it won't be another 5 or so months before I post again...

I used to enjoy writing...