My Life would undergo great changes in the weeks and months to come. I didn't expect the older three siblings (first litter) to side and plot against the three younger siblings (second litter). I didn't expect the sister that I now try to care for on a fairly regular basis to treat us the way she did... to screw us over the way that she did...
But Death does strange things to families... I have an older brother with whom I haven't spoken since the day we buried Dad. I have another sister with whom I have just recently made the effort to talk to and see...
But to be quite honest, the damage has been done. If I never see them again in my Life, I will be quite ok with that...
My Dad is a young man in this photo. The building to his left is the remaining mule barn where he and his Dad bought and sold mules here in the Mississippi Delta back in the 30's... Behind him and down the street, you can make out the outline of what appears to be an early model Ford... And for the Mississippi Delta, that's a great deal of snow on the ground.
Dad, I am sorry... truly sorry... that I didn't figure out so many things sooner than I did. I should have made the decision to have forgiven you for some things before you had your stroke. You weren't perfect, but then again, none of us are. For so long, I had imagined you to be perfect... Maybe Mom shouldn't have shared a hurt that she suffered from you, but she did... and I shouldn't have been so hard on you, but I was...
In retrospect (it's always this way, isn't it?), I want to thank you for the wonderful work ethic that you taught me. I am who I am today because of you... and I mean that in the most wonderful way...
Maybe you didn't always make time for us, because you worked... you worked to raise your second family... after your first set of children with Mom had moved out and on with their Lives...
I remember Mom once telling someone that you two "had a set of kids for us to take care of... and another set to take care of us..."
I'm glad it worked out that way, Dad. You loved us the best way you knew how to love us... and you did... you did love us.
I have written this thing over and over and over the past few days... and haven't liked any of them... and I'm not sure this one does you justice. Dad...
I would give anything to be sitting in that old Hudson with you... driving over to the Mississippi River "to see what's going on..." and maybe we would stop at one of the old country stores that dotted the Delta back then... and we would go in and you would buy a rootbeer... These places would have the old ice boxes... they would load them up with drinks and ice early in the day... and by the time we would get there, the water would have partially melted... it would be with such great anticipation that we would open the top of that ice box, and see the drinks down below... and the icy water would be SO cold that it would take your breath from you when you would reach down into the box to get your drink.
It's the smallest things that I remember tonight, Dad... the smallest things that you would do for me that would tell me that you loved me... that you loved all of your children...
Fifteen years... in a way, it's been SO long, and yet, in another way, it seems it was only yesterday...
I had this dream a few years ago in which you and I were in San Francisco... on the City side of the Bay, and we were looking across over to the Marin County side. You asked if we could go over there and see that side of the Bay, and I told you of course we could, and I took your hand... and I felt you. I felt your presence that night, and I immediately awakened with a start. It was as if you were there.
I try to be the kind of Dad to my kids that you and Mom were parents to us... I hope I've succeeded... I would be terribly disappointed if I haven't been...
I miss you so much, Dad...
Each and every day...
I love you...
Your son,
~Jim~
